Where do I even begin? I read my last few posts and so much has changed since then. The biggest and most amazing event in my life finally happened. We got pregnant! And not only did we finally get pregnant, but we made it through the entire pregnancy with a happy and healthy baby girl! Miss Sophia Rachel Kelley was born via C-Section on June 25th, 2010 at 9:00am weighing 7lbs 14oz and 20.5 in long. Wow! I never updated here because I had the amazing ladies of TWW to be there for me every step of the way. Through the early stages praying my LO would stick and through the genetic testing and all of the u/s and up until the end when Sophia was born. She's truly the best thing that's ever happened to us and some days I can still hardly believe we made her and she's ours. Of course so much more has happened over the last year, but Sophie has been the priority and the shining star in our lives. No matter how upset or sad or angry I become over other issues I can look at her and still smile. I'll be writing much more about her as time goes on and I hope I can continue updating here on a consistent basis.
So, Tara...end result she's in Oklahoma with her Biofamily. She did go to the treatment family home and she attempted to please everyone and try to do what was right. But in the end she did as I predicted and ran away from everything except her Biofamily. She certainly has the right to, who am I to say that she should be part of another family? If I could have seen into the future we probably would have just fostered her, but who knew. Of course she's already been making awful choices since leaving, but all I can do now is pray for her that she gets herself straightened out. She's made her choices and will continue to do so. I still feel bad about all of it, like I failed her, and I should have done more, but it's over now. She turned 18 and is technically an adult and with time I hope the pain I know we both feel subsides.
And Noah...the start of 3rd grade did not go well. And then when he found out about Sophie around Christmas he continued to act out even worse and became very jealous. In the Spring of this year he was admitted to CP Hospital, something we tried very hard to avoid since he came to our family. He was there for 6 weeks and ultimately told us and the SW that he was basically hoping I would get a disease or be in a car accident and Sophie would never be born. CD stepped in and sent Noah to MG Residential where he's been since. He's done some threatening and has been oppositional like always and talked about his BioMom with the therapist. He says he doesn't need me because he already has a Mom and of course he's still all about Walter and wanting him to be his Dad. We had our 1st family therapy session yesterday and that was really difficult for me. I didn't sleep and started getting nauseous in the morning and was anxious about seeing Noah and especially about bringing Sophie with us. Walter and I talked to the therapist without Noah most of the meeting and she definitely knew I was not in a good place and saw my anxiety over seeing Noah. He finally came in and made little eye contact and acted subdued and wouldn't even look at Sophie until the therapist prompted him. We only talked briefly and he said he missed being home. His answer to what he missed the most was "Having my own room." And when he was asked if he liked his new baby Sister he first shrugged and then quickly said "yeah." Walter and I both saw his hesitation and body language means so much with him because he just refuses to tell the truth. Honestly I was so glad to leave there and couldn't walk to the car fast enough. Then after some time in the car to breath again and gather my thoughts I finally spoke to Walter. I could barely hold back my relief that it was over with and my mood changed so much more positive.
We had a nice dinner out and unfortunately another failed attempt at feeding Sophie with a bottle, but all we can do is keep trying. Like we did today, which also failed, and by the time I fed her I guess because she had gotten so worked up she ended up throwing up on me and her. I gave her a bath and lotioned her up, swaddled her and she was fast asleep in no time. She's still sleeping now, and in her own crib, which is awesome and at least she's making progress there. I decided to update here after the girls brought up blogs on TWW and I'm basically alone right now after a fight with Walter. He's been in our room for quite a while now and I guess not speaking to me. It was all about my feelings that he isn't proactive when taking care of Sophie and always waits for me to tell him what to do. It really bugs me that he's not taken a bigger interest in her needs. I know he's depressed about his family, who wouldn't be. I'm depressed about it too, it's a horrible situation. But it has nothing to do with his Daughter and her needs. I've often resigned myself to the fact that I will be her caregiver most of the time, but then I get mad again when I want a break and he still needs direction. He's done great with all of the external things, he'll buy her diapers, and he set everything up while we were out of town, and he'll do whatever I ask, but I don't feel like I can leave her with him. It's not like he's going to just ignore her if she cries, but he'd definitely wait until then to really do much and she still won't take a bottle from him and I'm not sure he would have much luck with getting her to sleep either.
Well, Sophie is waking up so I better go. More to come very soon I hope!
