Sadness

I am not happy. I do not like who I have become. I do not know how to do anything about it. I feel like crap about myself...gaining weight and not caring about my appearance. Being an awful wife. Neglecting my home. Not really doing anything as a family. Losing contact with my friends. Being lazy in general.

My 10th anniversary is in just over a week and I've thought little about it and done nothing.

I'm angry and sad that Sophie won't have a Birthday party because there's no one to have a party with.

I can't stop shopping because it's the only thing that makes me feel the least bit good.

Sophie's smiles and snuggles are the only thing getting me through right now :(

Miss Negative

Unfortunately I haven't kept up here as I said I wanted too, but I'm back today and I'm not really sure why it's such a big deal anyway. Why put so much pressure on myself? Anyway, there's a lot on my mind right now, and I'm really not even sure where to start.

At this moment I'm feeling pretty down and alone and overwhelmed by a busy work week and traveling this coming weekend and just lots of things that have required my attention. I don't deal well when life gets too complicated. Some would probably think I do almost nothing and how could I be so overwhelmed with just one child to care for? It probably is me, my personality, I just can't seem to juggle too many things at once. I'm trying to hang in there, but when it gets to be too much I just shut down and then nothing gets done. I always have to take it to the extreme, when will I learn to balance things better? And what about this post, I don't even know what I'm talking about. My brain is all over the place. I feel like an idiot. Argh!

So, we're sitting around waiting for the courts to decide about Noah and whether or not our rights will be terminated so he can be adopted by another family. I still can't believe it has come to that. NO MATTER WHAT I feel like a miserable failure. It saddens me to the depths of my soul that I have let him down.

And Tara...is she really married? Am I really a MIL? I may never really know if she chooses to never have contact with us again. Another sad situation that I have failed miserably.

Well, this really isn't getting me anywhere. I guess I'm going back to sitting here and hiding from the world. Better yet I think I'll go to bed.

The court system at it's finest

At the hearing this morning the attorney for the state argued that the charges for neglect against us were not to be dropped because we are refusing to care for Noah. Our attorney did what he could and argued that we are unable to provide the appropriate care he needs and Sophie is at risk with him in our home. He said afterwards he didn't feel the state's attorney was being a hard ass, but was just standing firm and not going to change her mind. So, now we will have a trial...a trial! That honestly scares the shit out of me. The attorney said things about depositions to prepare, gathering of evidence, and getting us ready for this. It just sucks all around. Unfortunately I'm not totally surprised with the way I've heard other similar situations going the same way. The system is just fucked up and because we didn't give Noah the chance to hurt Sophie we are the bad parents refusing to take care of him. Of course I know this is bullshit...my friends tell me so, but the state is not going to listen. We have to be made an example of and we all have to be drug through all of this for what? No benefit that I can see, Noah will only suffer sitting around waiting for more months for something to be decided so he can have some sort of future. Oh, and the best part, the state attorney says, "The Kelley's knew what they were getting into when they adopted Noah." Yeah we did and we've kicked ass helping him and done more for him in the last 4 years than anyone else ever has. We didn't have a baby in the home when we adopted him and didn't know he would feel so strongly against one to the point of wanting her dead. The Bastards...that's all I can say. I guess I'm more angry than anything else right now. Angry that they're so absurd in their thinking that what THEY are doing is in the best interest of all children involved. I do hope to still enjoy our Summer before the trial, which won't be for 2-3 months. Walter and I are already making plans, we won't let this keep us down and depressed.

Either way it's sad

Trying to make the most of today...should be doing that everyday I suppose. Another hearing about Noah is tomorrow. It's absolutely so incredibly bittersweet. It breaks my heart that things have turned out this way. Our happiness with Sophie has resulted in so much sadness for Noah. Of course life was never perfect with him and maybe this was bound to happen with or without Sophie coming into our lives, but still I hate how it's all turned out. Nevermind the stupid crap with the social worker and the state, just losing our child...again...is a very difficult process. I did not enjoy packing up Noah's things and handing them over to the social worker...no matter how many times he hurt us, it was still very hard to let it go. And I will enjoy even less the hearing tomorrow morning. Of course we don't know exactly what will happen, but nothing good will come out of it. Either they side with us and we lose custody and pay child support and have no more contact with Noah or they side for the state and we drag it out longer through the courts and a contested hearing...only to result in losing custody or refusing custody and being charged with child neglect. It all sounds so horrible to actually say it. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Finding myself again

Well at least I didn't wait a year this time to post again. I'm completely exhausted and may not make perfect sense so forgive me if I get off track or whatever. I just don't feel like going to bed yet and since there's really nothing going on this weekend I think I'm allowed to stay up as late as I want. I feel like I'm babbling...hmmm...I wonder why?

I went back and read all my blog posts...wow, so negative and brought back a lot of thoughts and feelings. I also noticed that I tend to ask a lot of questions. I guess to try and work out answers for myself.

So Sophie was only 3 months old the last time I posted. She's now 9.5 months old and still such a ray of sunshine. She has her moments...the little drama queen, but she's a happy girl most of the time and she sleeps great and has been eating like a champ. I've managed to breastfeed this long and have even been making most of her food. Both huge accomplishments for me...someone who can't stick with anything...ever. Anything for my baby girl though, she brings that out in me.

Tara has returned to Missouri and is still here as far as we know. She's made contact with Walter, but pretty much just asked questions about her insurance and lack there of. Who knows who she's been staying with or what she's been doing. I hate that she's not safe and that I'm powerless to do anything about it, but it's really always been that way with her. She's never really allowed me to be a part of her life...a real part.

Noah has just recently been transferred from MG residential to a MG TFH. So far he's done okay and as expected. Who knows if he'll be able to handle it long term or what will happen ultimately with him. CD was at the house last night and she was NOT nice. She made a statement that they didn't want Noah to be somewhere that he wasn't wanted and wouldn't be taken care of. OMG! We have never neglected that child, or any child for that matter. We don't hate our children and we would never deprive them, but I can't allow for any of them to be in danger and risk one of them doing something they would regret for the rest of their lives. Ugh! We've already had one hearing, but it was really a waste of time, and our next hearing is scheduled for Monday in 3 days. The attorney says he feels they have enough evidence that it would not be safe for Noah to return to our home and that we cannot meet his mental health needs. He said we will just have to wait and see and if the court does not agree then we will move on to a contested hearing. I know nothing about this, but that's what he said. I just want to get this weekend over with so we can get the hearing over with. It's so scary worrying about it, there's just so many what ifs.

I should talk more about Sophie, but I guess I'll just have to hope that I keep this up for myself and not wait another 7 months or a year to write again. I love my baby...more than I ever knew was possible. She makes me a better person and makes me want to do everything for her.

What a difference a year can make

Where do I even begin? I read my last few posts and so much has changed since then. The biggest and most amazing event in my life finally happened. We got pregnant! And not only did we finally get pregnant, but we made it through the entire pregnancy with a happy and healthy baby girl! Miss Sophia Rachel Kelley was born via C-Section on June 25th, 2010 at 9:00am weighing 7lbs 14oz and 20.5 in long. Wow! I never updated here because I had the amazing ladies of TWW to be there for me every step of the way. Through the early stages praying my LO would stick and through the genetic testing and all of the u/s and up until the end when Sophia was born. She's truly the best thing that's ever happened to us and some days I can still hardly believe we made her and she's ours. Of course so much more has happened over the last year, but Sophie has been the priority and the shining star in our lives. No matter how upset or sad or angry I become over other issues I can look at her and still smile. I'll be writing much more about her as time goes on and I hope I can continue updating here on a consistent basis.

So, Tara...end result she's in Oklahoma with her Biofamily. She did go to the treatment family home and she attempted to please everyone and try to do what was right. But in the end she did as I predicted and ran away from everything except her Biofamily. She certainly has the right to, who am I to say that she should be part of another family? If I could have seen into the future we probably would have just fostered her, but who knew. Of course she's already been making awful choices since leaving, but all I can do now is pray for her that she gets herself straightened out. She's made her choices and will continue to do so. I still feel bad about all of it, like I failed her, and I should have done more, but it's over now. She turned 18 and is technically an adult and with time I hope the pain I know we both feel subsides.

And Noah...the start of 3rd grade did not go well. And then when he found out about Sophie around Christmas he continued to act out even worse and became very jealous. In the Spring of this year he was admitted to CP Hospital, something we tried very hard to avoid since he came to our family. He was there for 6 weeks and ultimately told us and the SW that he was basically hoping I would get a disease or be in a car accident and Sophie would never be born. CD stepped in and sent Noah to MG Residential where he's been since. He's done some threatening and has been oppositional like always and talked about his BioMom with the therapist. He says he doesn't need me because he already has a Mom and of course he's still all about Walter and wanting him to be his Dad. We had our 1st family therapy session yesterday and that was really difficult for me. I didn't sleep and started getting nauseous in the morning and was anxious about seeing Noah and especially about bringing Sophie with us. Walter and I talked to the therapist without Noah most of the meeting and she definitely knew I was not in a good place and saw my anxiety over seeing Noah. He finally came in and made little eye contact and acted subdued and wouldn't even look at Sophie until the therapist prompted him. We only talked briefly and he said he missed being home. His answer to what he missed the most was "Having my own room." And when he was asked if he liked his new baby Sister he first shrugged and then quickly said "yeah." Walter and I both saw his hesitation and body language means so much with him because he just refuses to tell the truth. Honestly I was so glad to leave there and couldn't walk to the car fast enough. Then after some time in the car to breath again and gather my thoughts I finally spoke to Walter. I could barely hold back my relief that it was over with and my mood changed so much more positive.

We had a nice dinner out and unfortunately another failed attempt at feeding Sophie with a bottle, but all we can do is keep trying. Like we did today, which also failed, and by the time I fed her I guess because she had gotten so worked up she ended up throwing up on me and her. I gave her a bath and lotioned her up, swaddled her and she was fast asleep in no time. She's still sleeping now, and in her own crib, which is awesome and at least she's making progress there. I decided to update here after the girls brought up blogs on TWW and I'm basically alone right now after a fight with Walter. He's been in our room for quite a while now and I guess not speaking to me. It was all about my feelings that he isn't proactive when taking care of Sophie and always waits for me to tell him what to do. It really bugs me that he's not taken a bigger interest in her needs. I know he's depressed about his family, who wouldn't be. I'm depressed about it too, it's a horrible situation. But it has nothing to do with his Daughter and her needs. I've often resigned myself to the fact that I will be her caregiver most of the time, but then I get mad again when I want a break and he still needs direction. He's done great with all of the external things, he'll buy her diapers, and he set everything up while we were out of town, and he'll do whatever I ask, but I don't feel like I can leave her with him. It's not like he's going to just ignore her if she cries, but he'd definitely wait until then to really do much and she still won't take a bottle from him and I'm not sure he would have much luck with getting her to sleep either.

Well, Sophie is waking up so I better go. More to come very soon I hope!

I'm not even sure how to start this post. I guess I just say it, I'm pregnant. It's still very unreal to me & of course I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. I'm trying to be positive & dream about what could be if this little one develops into a healthy baby...girl according to everyone, we shall see if I make it to the CVS testing. That's a whole other story, 1st I gotta get my 2nd beta results. Then after that if all is well I wanna hear that amazing heartbeat. I want it all, the whole experience, I'm ready for it. So the +hpt was on 10/22, I really had no definite plan to do a test, but something convinced me too. It was 14dpo & still no spotting, so I thought I might as well. Walter was just as surprised as I was. Then my 1st beta was on 10/23 & the result was 123. I had my 2nd beta drawn today & will get the results tomorrow. I'm so nervous, but again trying to be positive & hope for big numbers. I spotted brown cm Friday morning through Sunday night, none today & I hope it's done. I've been feeling gassy, peeing more, bb's hurt bad, had heartburn today, & I even had some of the pulling & tugging feelings in my belly. It's wonderful to feel something for a change.