Hi, how are you? I'm miserable...thanks for asking...I hate everyone and everything this morning and wish I could just stop trying. I don't know if I'd ever really say that to anyone, but I wish I had someone in my life that I could say it to if I needed to.
My life feels so completely empty and I feel like such a failure. I don't understand why I'm not allowed to have children. Would it even help? Or am I putting too much into it making my life better. I can't really imagine a baby right now because of Noah. Who knows what he would do to the baby or me because he's mad at me for having a baby. I believe he's capable of a lot of things, he just doesn't seem to have much remorse and is very impulsive. I know he'd be jealous so I guess it's not right for us to have a baby anyway. My life sucks enough as it is and has for a long time, why add more stress? I'm supposed to start Clomid tomorrow and it's the last month I have of it. Do I even bother? This is the 10th month we've tried and I know we're not going to keep trying, at least not with medication. I'm not going to keep taking it, I know it makes me crazier than I already am. And I just don't see doing IVF, we haven't saved for it and we're getting so old. I hate the idea of giving up on it all, but what else am I supposed to do? I just don't have the answers anymore. I'm exhausted and always helping other people and I just want to give up.
What would happen if I just stopped and do I really care? I feel bad that Noah's school pictures suck because I'm a horrible Mom that didn't know it was picture day, but does it really matter? He'll take it again or not and we'll have other pictures and he hasn't changed that much. I don't know what else would happen really. CHC would just hire another nurse just like they would if I leave to work somewhere else. Tara already doesn't need me...she never did really. I just don't know about Walter, I believe he loves me, but it's all turned out so crappy. Our life together just isn't what either one of us wanted and there doesn't seem to be any way out of it or to make it better.
I feel like everything I try falls apart or fails or makes things worse. What else am I supposed to do? I certainly don't have any solutions or ideas at this point and I wouldn't know anyone to ask if they did. I guess everyone has their own problems and life to deal with, why would they even want to help me. So, here I sit with no answers and I don't feel better and I just want to get up and walk out of here and sit in my bed with my kitty and play on the computer and watch stupid tv and be left alone. I could see myself isolating in my room for a long time. I just don't have the motivation or desire to do anything. I just don't care about anything.
I keep shopping and doing things like getting Sid to try and replace what I want in my life and it's just making it all more complicated and nothing is any better. So I guess now I type my notes for work and take care of my clients and go home and nothing changes and I'm still miserable and hate my life.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
An emptiness I can't bear today
I feel so down today and full of anger and sadness. I'm at work, trying to get through the day. Sid has to go under general anesthesia today to suture up the hole in his neck from a silly wart after he ripped out the last stitches. I'm hoping he's okay and that the vet would call me if there was any kind of problem.
I can barely sit here without crying. I keep holding the tears back and trying to stay busy to keep my mind off everything, but so many memories keep flooding into my head today. Before I got on here I was thinking about the time we told Walter's family we were ttc. They were so excited...almost as much as we were. And look at all of us now. So, much pain and sorrow and so many bad memories. It seems like a lifetime ago.
I want so much to be excited again about ttc, but the experiences in my life have made it damn near impossible. I am in control of how I feel, but I don't feel like I can be positive and excited. I've had so much pain and it all seems so fresh like an open wound...like poor Sid. PTSD? Depression? Probably both, but what are ya gonna do? Right now...I want to give up on everything. I don't want to work, go back home, see anyone or anything, or be anyone. Will I end my life? No, cause that's just not me. I wouldn't leave everything and everyone to deal with my shit. I don't know what I'll do, just keeping telling myself, "Everything can change in the blink of an eye." That's what I was told, but she also told me I would get pg and I would have a little girl and she will stand up for justice and she will be an impatient amazing spirit. I was told we would conceive her when the moon is getting full in September. Well, September is almost over and the full moon was on 9/4/09 and we didn't try until 9/5/09 and I O'd on 9/10/09. I'll start another cycle this month, which is still September and I guess still a possibility of her being accurate, but I feel like all our chances are coming to an end. I run out of Clomid next month and don't think I can get pg without it and don't think Dr. Wilbois will give me more and Walter's never going to do IVF. And did I mention that I'm 34 and Walter's almost 42? I feel so old and I feel like I've lost my life. I feel like it's too late and I don't like how it's turned out. I feel so empty.
I can barely sit here without crying. I keep holding the tears back and trying to stay busy to keep my mind off everything, but so many memories keep flooding into my head today. Before I got on here I was thinking about the time we told Walter's family we were ttc. They were so excited...almost as much as we were. And look at all of us now. So, much pain and sorrow and so many bad memories. It seems like a lifetime ago.
I want so much to be excited again about ttc, but the experiences in my life have made it damn near impossible. I am in control of how I feel, but I don't feel like I can be positive and excited. I've had so much pain and it all seems so fresh like an open wound...like poor Sid. PTSD? Depression? Probably both, but what are ya gonna do? Right now...I want to give up on everything. I don't want to work, go back home, see anyone or anything, or be anyone. Will I end my life? No, cause that's just not me. I wouldn't leave everything and everyone to deal with my shit. I don't know what I'll do, just keeping telling myself, "Everything can change in the blink of an eye." That's what I was told, but she also told me I would get pg and I would have a little girl and she will stand up for justice and she will be an impatient amazing spirit. I was told we would conceive her when the moon is getting full in September. Well, September is almost over and the full moon was on 9/4/09 and we didn't try until 9/5/09 and I O'd on 9/10/09. I'll start another cycle this month, which is still September and I guess still a possibility of her being accurate, but I feel like all our chances are coming to an end. I run out of Clomid next month and don't think I can get pg without it and don't think Dr. Wilbois will give me more and Walter's never going to do IVF. And did I mention that I'm 34 and Walter's almost 42? I feel so old and I feel like I've lost my life. I feel like it's too late and I don't like how it's turned out. I feel so empty.
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