No one but me

Hi, how are you? I'm miserable...thanks for asking...I hate everyone and everything this morning and wish I could just stop trying. I don't know if I'd ever really say that to anyone, but I wish I had someone in my life that I could say it to if I needed to.

My life feels so completely empty and I feel like such a failure. I don't understand why I'm not allowed to have children. Would it even help? Or am I putting too much into it making my life better. I can't really imagine a baby right now because of Noah. Who knows what he would do to the baby or me because he's mad at me for having a baby. I believe he's capable of a lot of things, he just doesn't seem to have much remorse and is very impulsive. I know he'd be jealous so I guess it's not right for us to have a baby anyway. My life sucks enough as it is and has for a long time, why add more stress? I'm supposed to start Clomid tomorrow and it's the last month I have of it. Do I even bother? This is the 10th month we've tried and I know we're not going to keep trying, at least not with medication. I'm not going to keep taking it, I know it makes me crazier than I already am. And I just don't see doing IVF, we haven't saved for it and we're getting so old. I hate the idea of giving up on it all, but what else am I supposed to do? I just don't have the answers anymore. I'm exhausted and always helping other people and I just want to give up.

What would happen if I just stopped and do I really care? I feel bad that Noah's school pictures suck because I'm a horrible Mom that didn't know it was picture day, but does it really matter? He'll take it again or not and we'll have other pictures and he hasn't changed that much. I don't know what else would happen really. CHC would just hire another nurse just like they would if I leave to work somewhere else. Tara already doesn't need me...she never did really. I just don't know about Walter, I believe he loves me, but it's all turned out so crappy. Our life together just isn't what either one of us wanted and there doesn't seem to be any way out of it or to make it better.

I feel like everything I try falls apart or fails or makes things worse. What else am I supposed to do? I certainly don't have any solutions or ideas at this point and I wouldn't know anyone to ask if they did. I guess everyone has their own problems and life to deal with, why would they even want to help me. So, here I sit with no answers and I don't feel better and I just want to get up and walk out of here and sit in my bed with my kitty and play on the computer and watch stupid tv and be left alone. I could see myself isolating in my room for a long time. I just don't have the motivation or desire to do anything. I just don't care about anything.

I keep shopping and doing things like getting Sid to try and replace what I want in my life and it's just making it all more complicated and nothing is any better. So I guess now I type my notes for work and take care of my clients and go home and nothing changes and I'm still miserable and hate my life.