An emptiness I can't bear today

I feel so down today and full of anger and sadness. I'm at work, trying to get through the day. Sid has to go under general anesthesia today to suture up the hole in his neck from a silly wart after he ripped out the last stitches. I'm hoping he's okay and that the vet would call me if there was any kind of problem.

I can barely sit here without crying. I keep holding the tears back and trying to stay busy to keep my mind off everything, but so many memories keep flooding into my head today. Before I got on here I was thinking about the time we told Walter's family we were ttc. They were so excited...almost as much as we were. And look at all of us now. So, much pain and sorrow and so many bad memories. It seems like a lifetime ago.

I want so much to be excited again about ttc, but the experiences in my life have made it damn near impossible. I am in control of how I feel, but I don't feel like I can be positive and excited. I've had so much pain and it all seems so fresh like an open wound...like poor Sid. PTSD? Depression? Probably both, but what are ya gonna do? Right now...I want to give up on everything. I don't want to work, go back home, see anyone or anything, or be anyone. Will I end my life? No, cause that's just not me. I wouldn't leave everything and everyone to deal with my shit. I don't know what I'll do, just keeping telling myself, "Everything can change in the blink of an eye." That's what I was told, but she also told me I would get pg and I would have a little girl and she will stand up for justice and she will be an impatient amazing spirit. I was told we would conceive her when the moon is getting full in September. Well, September is almost over and the full moon was on 9/4/09 and we didn't try until 9/5/09 and I O'd on 9/10/09. I'll start another cycle this month, which is still September and I guess still a possibility of her being accurate, but I feel like all our chances are coming to an end. I run out of Clomid next month and don't think I can get pg without it and don't think Dr. Wilbois will give me more and Walter's never going to do IVF. And did I mention that I'm 34 and Walter's almost 42? I feel so old and I feel like I've lost my life. I feel like it's too late and I don't like how it's turned out. I feel so empty.