Bad day

Why do I even think I deserve a baby? Obviously I'm not a fit Mother and this is why I have never conceived. Crazy? Dramatic? Maybe, but it's how I feel today and many days. Yes I'm under a lot of stress and yes Noah and Tara are not your typical children, but others have done better under worse circumstances. I just can't seem to pull it together, can't seem to parent them, and be calm and patient about it. One stupid thing and I blow. I can't blame it on the hormones, it's gone on long since before I started them. I just feel so miserable today...like the worst Mother in the world. Really I don't feel like a Mother at all. They don't belong to me and they don't want to belong to me. I don't blame them, I wouldn't either. I hate adoption today.

As for ttc, I don't know. I hate getting my hopes up every month and I'm under so much stress how could I ever get pg. Noah here all the time without a break and the threat of Tara's meeting and being returned to us. Anyway, today is 6dpo, another 4-6 days til I start spotting most likely.

As for my goals and doing something every day, I haven't done great. I guess I've done decently with my charting and vitamins. I still haven't exercised nor cleaned anything lately. I'm finally doing laundry today, Sunday at 4pm. We still didn't get to look at the cabinets to build our island. Our fish tank has been very stressful with fish getting sick and dying and picking on one another. I've been eating like crazy, like I'm hungry all the time. I can partially blame the hormones for that, but it's very emotional eating too. Haven't started saving yet for Hawaii, guess I need to since our anniversary is coming, then just 2 years until our 10th, but if we have a baby then I'm not sure what we'll do. Maybe a Mom from the O'Fallon group or Jennifer would watch the baby. As if we'll even have one, but at least there's a plan.

I feel a little better and a little calmer talking about my goals and the future. I'm just so exhausted from trying to parent Noah...he takes everything out of me.

Taking care of myself

So the last couple of days I've taken a couple more steps towards the goals I've made for myself. I made a couple of healthy meal choices, not all, but a couple. I deleted a game from my FB that has taken too much of my time from me, along with a couple other changes on FB that I felt were important to my success. I did not get to walk yet, but I've definitely been doing some serious thinking about it, my schedule has just not allowed for it yet. I'm here blogging again, something I also hope to keep up. I took my medicine everyday and completed my charting more fully. So I think I'm off to a pretty good start, considering the lack of sleep I had at the beginning of the week and other stressful events at work and home.

Otherwise this morning I'm pretty anxious and worried about the meeting today at Edgewood. We haven't been talking to Tara after she mailed me letters. I've been traumatized by her so much already, I'm just not willing to allow her in again to hurt me more. I've suffered a great deal of pain from her, which of course I have allowed, but she is very sick and lived a long traumatic life herself, and I do understand why, it just doesn't make it any easier to cope with. I'm still having nightmares and I still worry and think about it all a lot. She made me feel completely inadequate as a parent and that caused more than one incidence of severe depression in me. I have to be able to be strong for Noah as a Mom and to Walter as a Wife and a friend to many others. I cannot live my life trying to please her and give her what will never be enough.

The beginning...again

I'm so super proud of myself for finally getting this started! I've had diaries, journals, poetry, etc for as long as I can remember, but for some reason I always stop writing. Well, I'm back to it again and I'm excited, perhaps a little too much.

So, the title is from an excellent song that always makes me feel good no matter what is going on in my life and I thought the verse was appropriate for my blog. I actually decided on the title rather quickly after thinking about what I really love. I love many things of course, but music affects me in many ways and is a big part of my life. So many memories, some happy, some sad, some infuriating, some enlightening, all from a certain song that when it plays the memories flood in.

I made the decision today to do something everyday toward reaching my goals. I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself lately and decided it's time to do something about it before I slip into another depression. So, I got off my butt today and washed laundry, put away dishes, changed Suli's cage papers, changed bed linens, hung pictures and towels, bought a new gorgeous diffuser, and now started this blog. Not a real exciting day, but lately I'll accept boring, and it was very productive. I don't expect everyday to be so full, but I need to continue doing something to keep my motivation moving forward, to snap me out of the place I've settled in.