Bad day

Why do I even think I deserve a baby? Obviously I'm not a fit Mother and this is why I have never conceived. Crazy? Dramatic? Maybe, but it's how I feel today and many days. Yes I'm under a lot of stress and yes Noah and Tara are not your typical children, but others have done better under worse circumstances. I just can't seem to pull it together, can't seem to parent them, and be calm and patient about it. One stupid thing and I blow. I can't blame it on the hormones, it's gone on long since before I started them. I just feel so miserable today...like the worst Mother in the world. Really I don't feel like a Mother at all. They don't belong to me and they don't want to belong to me. I don't blame them, I wouldn't either. I hate adoption today.

As for ttc, I don't know. I hate getting my hopes up every month and I'm under so much stress how could I ever get pg. Noah here all the time without a break and the threat of Tara's meeting and being returned to us. Anyway, today is 6dpo, another 4-6 days til I start spotting most likely.

As for my goals and doing something every day, I haven't done great. I guess I've done decently with my charting and vitamins. I still haven't exercised nor cleaned anything lately. I'm finally doing laundry today, Sunday at 4pm. We still didn't get to look at the cabinets to build our island. Our fish tank has been very stressful with fish getting sick and dying and picking on one another. I've been eating like crazy, like I'm hungry all the time. I can partially blame the hormones for that, but it's very emotional eating too. Haven't started saving yet for Hawaii, guess I need to since our anniversary is coming, then just 2 years until our 10th, but if we have a baby then I'm not sure what we'll do. Maybe a Mom from the O'Fallon group or Jennifer would watch the baby. As if we'll even have one, but at least there's a plan.

I feel a little better and a little calmer talking about my goals and the future. I'm just so exhausted from trying to parent Noah...he takes everything out of me.