The Celine Dion song about her Son was on the radio this morning when I turned it on to take a shower. How does music always find me? Always know what I'm struggling with? I had an awful dream about AF, it was real bad like I had a m/c. Then I woke up this morning to a major temp drop below the coverline...sigh. Another month is passing and time is running out. I'm getting old, much older than I ever thought I would be ttc. And all I have to show for it is 2 adopted children that don't want me to be their Mother. They push me away until I want to hate them, they tell me they resent me, they tell me they don't love me.
We're never gonna do injectibles, IUI or IVF, Walter would never spend that kind of money on a gamble. So, now we'll be starting the 3rd round of Clomid soon and I feel like I'm doing everything I can otherwise with supplements and vitamins, etc. The stress in our lives is so ridiculous it's probably impossible for me to get pg. It's a battle everyday with Noah, Tara's looming in the background, Amber is calling, my In-laws are a mess, and work is crazy with conflict and hostility. We don't have the time or money for a vacation, all I want to do is eat and I'm getting fatter everyday, we're both depressed and angry all the time, I have no motivation to do anything.
I keep thinking about how I always settle and never insist on or demand what I really want. Why is that? What caused me to think that way? I'm so strong minded and persistent for others and expect only the best for them. Why can't I be that way for myself? Why do I think I don't deserve what I want? I have such an issue with entitlement, is that the right word?
I need to get back to work, I just thought venting a little would get me through the day.
No comments:
Post a Comment