Damn Clomid is getting to me today, I wish it were only hot flashes. I've cried over the stupidest things today and been angry and frustrated and everyone is pissing me off every where I turn. I'm assuming the worst from everyone and jumping down people's throats and no one even knows why I'm acting like an idiot. I guess it would be nice if people knew what we are going through...really, but then they act like, "Oh poor you, that's horrible, I'm so sorry." I don't want that either. I don't want pity. I want a baby.
It was so much fun to dream with the girls from the support group. We let go of our fears for just a moment to think about nurseries and baby stuff that we're so looking forward to. I don't really let myself do that. Dreaming is dangerous to my health. I just really, truly don't believe I'm going to be pg and actually give birth. As badly as I want a child with Walter, it just doesn't seem attainable. That's not to say that I don't get my hopes up and figure out what my due date would be if I got pg any given month. And that I'm not devestated every month that AF shows up. I always think...maybe this will be it, should I poas? But honestly getting pg is only half the battle and that truth scares me.
I guess this blog has been good for me to really learn some things about myself and my feelings. Even if it seems depressing and bitchy, I'm glad I'm doing it.
So, I'm at work and I'm trying to have a moment of peace and everyone keeps wanting to come in my office for one thing or another. Isn't is bad enough that I have a fake office with carpeted walls that don't go all the way to the ceiling and really have no privacy? Sometimes the nurse needs a break, but I guess I'm supposed to be available to everyone when they need me and I'm supposed to be in a good mood and I'm supposed to help them with whatever problem they are having. I just want to have a good cry so I can get some work done and get the Hell outta here for the day.
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