Sadness

I am not happy. I do not like who I have become. I do not know how to do anything about it. I feel like crap about myself...gaining weight and not caring about my appearance. Being an awful wife. Neglecting my home. Not really doing anything as a family. Losing contact with my friends. Being lazy in general.

My 10th anniversary is in just over a week and I've thought little about it and done nothing.

I'm angry and sad that Sophie won't have a Birthday party because there's no one to have a party with.

I can't stop shopping because it's the only thing that makes me feel the least bit good.

Sophie's smiles and snuggles are the only thing getting me through right now :(

Miss Negative

Unfortunately I haven't kept up here as I said I wanted too, but I'm back today and I'm not really sure why it's such a big deal anyway. Why put so much pressure on myself? Anyway, there's a lot on my mind right now, and I'm really not even sure where to start.

At this moment I'm feeling pretty down and alone and overwhelmed by a busy work week and traveling this coming weekend and just lots of things that have required my attention. I don't deal well when life gets too complicated. Some would probably think I do almost nothing and how could I be so overwhelmed with just one child to care for? It probably is me, my personality, I just can't seem to juggle too many things at once. I'm trying to hang in there, but when it gets to be too much I just shut down and then nothing gets done. I always have to take it to the extreme, when will I learn to balance things better? And what about this post, I don't even know what I'm talking about. My brain is all over the place. I feel like an idiot. Argh!

So, we're sitting around waiting for the courts to decide about Noah and whether or not our rights will be terminated so he can be adopted by another family. I still can't believe it has come to that. NO MATTER WHAT I feel like a miserable failure. It saddens me to the depths of my soul that I have let him down.

And Tara...is she really married? Am I really a MIL? I may never really know if she chooses to never have contact with us again. Another sad situation that I have failed miserably.

Well, this really isn't getting me anywhere. I guess I'm going back to sitting here and hiding from the world. Better yet I think I'll go to bed.

The court system at it's finest

At the hearing this morning the attorney for the state argued that the charges for neglect against us were not to be dropped because we are refusing to care for Noah. Our attorney did what he could and argued that we are unable to provide the appropriate care he needs and Sophie is at risk with him in our home. He said afterwards he didn't feel the state's attorney was being a hard ass, but was just standing firm and not going to change her mind. So, now we will have a trial...a trial! That honestly scares the shit out of me. The attorney said things about depositions to prepare, gathering of evidence, and getting us ready for this. It just sucks all around. Unfortunately I'm not totally surprised with the way I've heard other similar situations going the same way. The system is just fucked up and because we didn't give Noah the chance to hurt Sophie we are the bad parents refusing to take care of him. Of course I know this is bullshit...my friends tell me so, but the state is not going to listen. We have to be made an example of and we all have to be drug through all of this for what? No benefit that I can see, Noah will only suffer sitting around waiting for more months for something to be decided so he can have some sort of future. Oh, and the best part, the state attorney says, "The Kelley's knew what they were getting into when they adopted Noah." Yeah we did and we've kicked ass helping him and done more for him in the last 4 years than anyone else ever has. We didn't have a baby in the home when we adopted him and didn't know he would feel so strongly against one to the point of wanting her dead. The Bastards...that's all I can say. I guess I'm more angry than anything else right now. Angry that they're so absurd in their thinking that what THEY are doing is in the best interest of all children involved. I do hope to still enjoy our Summer before the trial, which won't be for 2-3 months. Walter and I are already making plans, we won't let this keep us down and depressed.

Either way it's sad

Trying to make the most of today...should be doing that everyday I suppose. Another hearing about Noah is tomorrow. It's absolutely so incredibly bittersweet. It breaks my heart that things have turned out this way. Our happiness with Sophie has resulted in so much sadness for Noah. Of course life was never perfect with him and maybe this was bound to happen with or without Sophie coming into our lives, but still I hate how it's all turned out. Nevermind the stupid crap with the social worker and the state, just losing our child...again...is a very difficult process. I did not enjoy packing up Noah's things and handing them over to the social worker...no matter how many times he hurt us, it was still very hard to let it go. And I will enjoy even less the hearing tomorrow morning. Of course we don't know exactly what will happen, but nothing good will come out of it. Either they side with us and we lose custody and pay child support and have no more contact with Noah or they side for the state and we drag it out longer through the courts and a contested hearing...only to result in losing custody or refusing custody and being charged with child neglect. It all sounds so horrible to actually say it. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Finding myself again

Well at least I didn't wait a year this time to post again. I'm completely exhausted and may not make perfect sense so forgive me if I get off track or whatever. I just don't feel like going to bed yet and since there's really nothing going on this weekend I think I'm allowed to stay up as late as I want. I feel like I'm babbling...hmmm...I wonder why?

I went back and read all my blog posts...wow, so negative and brought back a lot of thoughts and feelings. I also noticed that I tend to ask a lot of questions. I guess to try and work out answers for myself.

So Sophie was only 3 months old the last time I posted. She's now 9.5 months old and still such a ray of sunshine. She has her moments...the little drama queen, but she's a happy girl most of the time and she sleeps great and has been eating like a champ. I've managed to breastfeed this long and have even been making most of her food. Both huge accomplishments for me...someone who can't stick with anything...ever. Anything for my baby girl though, she brings that out in me.

Tara has returned to Missouri and is still here as far as we know. She's made contact with Walter, but pretty much just asked questions about her insurance and lack there of. Who knows who she's been staying with or what she's been doing. I hate that she's not safe and that I'm powerless to do anything about it, but it's really always been that way with her. She's never really allowed me to be a part of her life...a real part.

Noah has just recently been transferred from MG residential to a MG TFH. So far he's done okay and as expected. Who knows if he'll be able to handle it long term or what will happen ultimately with him. CD was at the house last night and she was NOT nice. She made a statement that they didn't want Noah to be somewhere that he wasn't wanted and wouldn't be taken care of. OMG! We have never neglected that child, or any child for that matter. We don't hate our children and we would never deprive them, but I can't allow for any of them to be in danger and risk one of them doing something they would regret for the rest of their lives. Ugh! We've already had one hearing, but it was really a waste of time, and our next hearing is scheduled for Monday in 3 days. The attorney says he feels they have enough evidence that it would not be safe for Noah to return to our home and that we cannot meet his mental health needs. He said we will just have to wait and see and if the court does not agree then we will move on to a contested hearing. I know nothing about this, but that's what he said. I just want to get this weekend over with so we can get the hearing over with. It's so scary worrying about it, there's just so many what ifs.

I should talk more about Sophie, but I guess I'll just have to hope that I keep this up for myself and not wait another 7 months or a year to write again. I love my baby...more than I ever knew was possible. She makes me a better person and makes me want to do everything for her.