I'm supposed to be happy...that's what was basically just said to me by Rebecca. I trust her, she's been wonderful, and I respect her opinions and thoughts. So she didn't say, "You should be happy." But she said the TFH for Tara all sounds good and things are moving in the right direction and she'll have someone to supervise her and take care of her needs. Then when things are more settled with Tara and we know she's safe and in a good place then I'll have more energy to deal with Noah and the stuff like yesterday will be able to be handled better.
Then why do I feel so inadequate and walked all over and pushed aside and dismissed? What is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy about the knowledge that Tara really is not returning to our home? It's what I wanted, it's what I think is best for so many reasons and now tha't it's finally happening all I can think is how dare them for taking care of her and making it look so easy and taking over where I failed.
Rebecca repeated that we did what we could for her and now we're doing what is best for her. I want to believe that, I want to know that we tried with everything we had and it wasn't our fault, things just didn't work out. She was too hurt, too traumatized, too angry, and too scared to let go and be with us.
I think I'm scared too. I'm scared that I'm not a good parent and that I'm going to fail Noah. I want it to work with him, no matter how many times I feel like giving up. He still shows he wants to be with us and he keeps trying. He's so much like me, I feel like he's my Son.
I guess I'm feeling a little better since talking to Rebecca. She helped me put things in perspective, even if I'm still very hurt by the changes.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The pain is overwhelming
I'm still angry, but also overwhelmingly depressed this morning. I'm at work, which is probably better for me to distract me, but I just want to go home and cry really. I'm not sure what has happened with our lives or where things are going and I'm unhappy about so much of it up until this point. How do I get past that? How do I recover from all of the sadness? All of the regrets? All of the pain? I hate that I'm starting to feel hopeless again. Why can't I see the good? Why is everything weighing so heavily on me?
I'm really struggling with all of this and I don't know how to make anything better. I can't just be happy and positive and everything will be fine. My heart aches...
I'm gonna try to stop crying now and get some work done.
I'm really struggling with all of this and I don't know how to make anything better. I can't just be happy and positive and everything will be fine. My heart aches...
I'm gonna try to stop crying now and get some work done.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Making physical changes
Oh, so many emotions and craziness today. I know I need to sort some of it out so I'm going to try. Where shall I start?
How about with Tara. My first thought? I'm angry that everyone is now 'swooping' in to help her. Why does the system do that? Why didn't they help us more when we needed it? Now they get to be the good guys and give Tara everything she wants and take her to do fun stuff and we're the horrible, awful people that gave up on her. I hate that it has worked out this way, but I feel powerless to do anything about it. I talked to Jill about her today. It's funny how positive I can be to others about everything we did and having to let go and not consider ourselves failures. Meanwhile I'm so hard on myself and feel miserable. No one can change that, no matter how many times we're told we did what we could. Was it a bad match? Or did we give up because we couldn't parent a child that never gave anything back? Is that her fault? Are we in the wrong? I could go on all day. I know it's not productive, but it's there and I can't stop the thoughts.
I started going through her closet today and filled a large box with clothes and shoes to give away. She doesn't need so much stuff and I'm sure someone will buy her new stuff and she'll share clothes with other girls and on and on...just like before. I wanted to go through more, but Noah's home, so it will have to wait. I asked Walter to delete her icon off the computer. I'm planning to pack away the notebooks we wrote to each other in and other letters she wrote to me. I think the sooner I do these things the sooner I will start to heal. I look in her room every single time I go upstairs, I know that can't be healthy. And I don't look in longing to see her, I want her presence out of my home. I feel horrible actually saying that. I'm not sure what else will happen with her stuff, she has so much in our basement. I guess we just send some and the rest has to stay here. I decided to buy a photo album and put in pictures of all of us and Holidays and stuff for her. Then she can't have all bad memories...right? We really did try, I put in so many hours begging her to talk to me and taking her to therapy and out of the house alone to talk and we took her on vacation and we did charts and contracts and homeschool and let her visit and talk with her Biofamily. We did a lot, I'm sure we did, so why do I have to keep convincing myself? When is this going to get easier? Will I ever feel happy again? Will life ever be enjoyable again in my home? Right now I leave to be happy cause I'm miserable in my own home. How do people do this? How do I feel good when both these children do everything they can to make me not care about them and not love them and not want to be around them? I want to give up so badly and just not care about anything. I'm so angry and moody and bitter and ugly all the time. What kind of life am I living? How do I make it better? I hate feeling so helpless.
I'm crying my eyes out and Toby's right under my feet, he's a good dog. I'm only talking to change the subject and try to regain some sanity. I need to eat dinner soon so I can walk with the girls and keep attempting to lose weight. All I'm doing is gaining, but I eat like crazy and I sit on my butt the days I don't walk and I know we're not doing enough that's why I keep trying to go early so I can start running again before they get there. I need to charge my phone so I can listen to the radio. I really like the music while I'm alone in the park, it's very therapeutic. Ok, I'm calmer again, gotta switch out the laundry and eat and get to the park.
How about with Tara. My first thought? I'm angry that everyone is now 'swooping' in to help her. Why does the system do that? Why didn't they help us more when we needed it? Now they get to be the good guys and give Tara everything she wants and take her to do fun stuff and we're the horrible, awful people that gave up on her. I hate that it has worked out this way, but I feel powerless to do anything about it. I talked to Jill about her today. It's funny how positive I can be to others about everything we did and having to let go and not consider ourselves failures. Meanwhile I'm so hard on myself and feel miserable. No one can change that, no matter how many times we're told we did what we could. Was it a bad match? Or did we give up because we couldn't parent a child that never gave anything back? Is that her fault? Are we in the wrong? I could go on all day. I know it's not productive, but it's there and I can't stop the thoughts.
I started going through her closet today and filled a large box with clothes and shoes to give away. She doesn't need so much stuff and I'm sure someone will buy her new stuff and she'll share clothes with other girls and on and on...just like before. I wanted to go through more, but Noah's home, so it will have to wait. I asked Walter to delete her icon off the computer. I'm planning to pack away the notebooks we wrote to each other in and other letters she wrote to me. I think the sooner I do these things the sooner I will start to heal. I look in her room every single time I go upstairs, I know that can't be healthy. And I don't look in longing to see her, I want her presence out of my home. I feel horrible actually saying that. I'm not sure what else will happen with her stuff, she has so much in our basement. I guess we just send some and the rest has to stay here. I decided to buy a photo album and put in pictures of all of us and Holidays and stuff for her. Then she can't have all bad memories...right? We really did try, I put in so many hours begging her to talk to me and taking her to therapy and out of the house alone to talk and we took her on vacation and we did charts and contracts and homeschool and let her visit and talk with her Biofamily. We did a lot, I'm sure we did, so why do I have to keep convincing myself? When is this going to get easier? Will I ever feel happy again? Will life ever be enjoyable again in my home? Right now I leave to be happy cause I'm miserable in my own home. How do people do this? How do I feel good when both these children do everything they can to make me not care about them and not love them and not want to be around them? I want to give up so badly and just not care about anything. I'm so angry and moody and bitter and ugly all the time. What kind of life am I living? How do I make it better? I hate feeling so helpless.
I'm crying my eyes out and Toby's right under my feet, he's a good dog. I'm only talking to change the subject and try to regain some sanity. I need to eat dinner soon so I can walk with the girls and keep attempting to lose weight. All I'm doing is gaining, but I eat like crazy and I sit on my butt the days I don't walk and I know we're not doing enough that's why I keep trying to go early so I can start running again before they get there. I need to charge my phone so I can listen to the radio. I really like the music while I'm alone in the park, it's very therapeutic. Ok, I'm calmer again, gotta switch out the laundry and eat and get to the park.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Trying to be strong
I don't even know what I want to say really, but I've got 20 minutes at work before I go to see a client and I just don't feel like working. I slept like crap again last night, just restless and not comfortable. I walked with Janet and did 4 miles, which is great, I just have to keep doing it. I'm not doing the Cardio Kickboxing, I've just been in too much pain in my neck and shoulders and I can't take much more. I've taken a lot of Ibuprofen the last couple of weeks and it's got to get better, so just walking for now.
Tara called again last night. She says she's working and relaxing and not doing much and there was a conflict, but she handles it maturely and a girl left so it's been quiet and that was about it. We must seem so cold and hateful to people that talk to her and don't understand the truth. She comes across so harmless and "all better now." We know it's not true, she's more stable because we're not in her life and because she has supervision and staff that can enforce rules and boundaries. We'll see what happens tomorrow and thereafter, but Walter was very negative last night and said he didn't even think going to the attorney would help. I'm sorry, but she's not coming back in our home. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's not happening, and if they want a battle then that's what they're going to get and we'll drag it out and she'll turn 18 and we don't have to have her in our lives at all. I've tried being nice, but obviously that doesn't work so I can be just as mean and ugly as Tara and everyone has been to us.
TTC update, another negative opk yesterday and my temp jumped up this morning so I'm assuming I already O'd or I'm not going to O or it was weak or early or whatever. It doesn't matter because we're not trying this month. I just don't have the desire to put forth the effort. I have enough things to worry about and don't need Progesterone supplements adding to my hunger and emotions.
Noah has been acting up on the bus so he got to sit in his room all evening last night. We didn't even bother with talking to him about it or lecturing or anything. Walter tried in the truck on the way home and as usual Noah had only excuses and blamed everyone else. So, before he went to bed Walter simply said something to him about behaving on the bus, implying to avoid sitting in his room. Maybe it will work, cause yelling and all the negative attention still gives him the attention he wants, so maybe just ignoring it and not stressing ourselves out will help us all.
Okay, that's it, I have to drive in the rain to see a client now, at least I'm getting out of the office, but I wish the weather was nicer.
Tara called again last night. She says she's working and relaxing and not doing much and there was a conflict, but she handles it maturely and a girl left so it's been quiet and that was about it. We must seem so cold and hateful to people that talk to her and don't understand the truth. She comes across so harmless and "all better now." We know it's not true, she's more stable because we're not in her life and because she has supervision and staff that can enforce rules and boundaries. We'll see what happens tomorrow and thereafter, but Walter was very negative last night and said he didn't even think going to the attorney would help. I'm sorry, but she's not coming back in our home. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's not happening, and if they want a battle then that's what they're going to get and we'll drag it out and she'll turn 18 and we don't have to have her in our lives at all. I've tried being nice, but obviously that doesn't work so I can be just as mean and ugly as Tara and everyone has been to us.
TTC update, another negative opk yesterday and my temp jumped up this morning so I'm assuming I already O'd or I'm not going to O or it was weak or early or whatever. It doesn't matter because we're not trying this month. I just don't have the desire to put forth the effort. I have enough things to worry about and don't need Progesterone supplements adding to my hunger and emotions.
Noah has been acting up on the bus so he got to sit in his room all evening last night. We didn't even bother with talking to him about it or lecturing or anything. Walter tried in the truck on the way home and as usual Noah had only excuses and blamed everyone else. So, before he went to bed Walter simply said something to him about behaving on the bus, implying to avoid sitting in his room. Maybe it will work, cause yelling and all the negative attention still gives him the attention he wants, so maybe just ignoring it and not stressing ourselves out will help us all.
Okay, that's it, I have to drive in the rain to see a client now, at least I'm getting out of the office, but I wish the weather was nicer.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Embracing what I'm already a part of
I guess I'm not much of a 'blogger' really. I read other blog posts and they seem so informative and helpful versus my bitching and whining. I feel like that's what I do here mostly, but I guess it's just for me really anyway.
From a quiz I took on facebook, very scientific I know:
"You are very busy dealing with things that seem like they would make no sense to the people in your life. You long for communion emotionally with someone but can't seem to find anyone who fits the bill. It is exceedingly important for an Oceanic soul to realize they are part of something by nature that is so vast, so incredible, so infinitely changing that they do not need to 'connect' the way they have learned to think that they do. All they really need to do is take notice of the beauty they are a real bonafide part of and participate fully. It is by exerting will in this small behavioral way that will bring them into a light that is very attractive to the right kind of people for them. Ironically, once an Oceanic realizes what they are a part of and starts to really willfully participate, they no longer feel such a need for connection..."
I don't know if any of this really means anything, but I have noticed in my life that nothing happens by accident and most things do have a great meaning for me. I have always felt like I was looking for that group or person to connect with and always watched as they connect with someone else around me instead. I've always felt out of the loop and like an outsider everywhere I go. So, what I'm getting from the above is that I need to stop trying to connect so precisely and instead take a more general approach to being a part of the life I already have. I'm not really sure exactly what it is that I'm a part of at this point, but I'm willing to try and figure it out. I can't keep going the way I have for all of these years. I get so depressed when I fail over and over again.
So, Thursday is the day. I can't think about much else. The Day My Heart Broke, that's what I call it. It's truly the most heartbreaking thing I can think of in my life. I can only imagine what the future will bring because I anticipate something will happen that is worse or at least equally as painful. I don't really feel much like talking about it now. The words just aren't with me, but the thoughts are there, and I just wanted to acknowledge that I remember.
Then the meeting at Edgewood. I keep telling myself to hang on to Walter, let him be my rock, don't say much, and just get through it. I don't like 'abandoning' Tara, but she truly brings so much pain into my life that I just don't deserve. She's taking out on me all the things that have hurt her and dammit I have enough shit to deal with. I'm sorry we adopted her and put all of us through this, I'm so sorry. I can't change what has happened, I can only try to make things as they need to be for every one's future. I don't have all the answers, but I do believe Tara has spoken the truth when she has said she resents us for adopting her and that she just wants to be with her biofamily. I do not feel like her Mother. I do not crave taking care of her needs. I realize she pushed me away because of all the times she has been hurt, but I think she is best off back in Oklahoma. I would like to see her get an education and learn the skills she needs, but it's not up to me what she does with her life. She's making her own decisions and choosing to not be involved in improving her situation. It's not my fault. I'm sorry for it all, but it's not my fault.
As for the goal of ttc...it just keeps slipping lower on the importance ladder. I'm not even sure if I'm ovulating this month. I'm temping most days and haven't seen a temp shift yet, today is CD14, and I've had no ewcm. I thought it was watery once, but nothing since really. And we haven't done anything which could result in a child and I don't suspect we're going to. There's just too much going on right now.
Walter and his family, it just breaks my heart, but he's so good at seeing the bigger picture and understanding why everyone is responding the way they are. His Uncle Bill died after we were all supposed to see him on the 4th, but we left because it just wasn't a good place to be. His poor Mom, I love her, but she's so sick. Kathy and Sharon are taking it way too personally and are not dealing well at all with losing their Mother. I can't imagine really how they feel. I pushed the Mother Daughter relationship out of my life a long time ago. Sometimes I envy others who have their Mothers, but I don't remember having much of one really, so I guess I don't really know what I've missed. I know it affects me as a Mother, but I also know that Tara and Noah are much more difficult than your average child.
Back to work I guess. I don't think I really feel better, but it's out of my system a little so I can hopefully accomplish something with this day.
From a quiz I took on facebook, very scientific I know:
"You are very busy dealing with things that seem like they would make no sense to the people in your life. You long for communion emotionally with someone but can't seem to find anyone who fits the bill. It is exceedingly important for an Oceanic soul to realize they are part of something by nature that is so vast, so incredible, so infinitely changing that they do not need to 'connect' the way they have learned to think that they do. All they really need to do is take notice of the beauty they are a real bonafide part of and participate fully. It is by exerting will in this small behavioral way that will bring them into a light that is very attractive to the right kind of people for them. Ironically, once an Oceanic realizes what they are a part of and starts to really willfully participate, they no longer feel such a need for connection..."
I don't know if any of this really means anything, but I have noticed in my life that nothing happens by accident and most things do have a great meaning for me. I have always felt like I was looking for that group or person to connect with and always watched as they connect with someone else around me instead. I've always felt out of the loop and like an outsider everywhere I go. So, what I'm getting from the above is that I need to stop trying to connect so precisely and instead take a more general approach to being a part of the life I already have. I'm not really sure exactly what it is that I'm a part of at this point, but I'm willing to try and figure it out. I can't keep going the way I have for all of these years. I get so depressed when I fail over and over again.
So, Thursday is the day. I can't think about much else. The Day My Heart Broke, that's what I call it. It's truly the most heartbreaking thing I can think of in my life. I can only imagine what the future will bring because I anticipate something will happen that is worse or at least equally as painful. I don't really feel much like talking about it now. The words just aren't with me, but the thoughts are there, and I just wanted to acknowledge that I remember.
Then the meeting at Edgewood. I keep telling myself to hang on to Walter, let him be my rock, don't say much, and just get through it. I don't like 'abandoning' Tara, but she truly brings so much pain into my life that I just don't deserve. She's taking out on me all the things that have hurt her and dammit I have enough shit to deal with. I'm sorry we adopted her and put all of us through this, I'm so sorry. I can't change what has happened, I can only try to make things as they need to be for every one's future. I don't have all the answers, but I do believe Tara has spoken the truth when she has said she resents us for adopting her and that she just wants to be with her biofamily. I do not feel like her Mother. I do not crave taking care of her needs. I realize she pushed me away because of all the times she has been hurt, but I think she is best off back in Oklahoma. I would like to see her get an education and learn the skills she needs, but it's not up to me what she does with her life. She's making her own decisions and choosing to not be involved in improving her situation. It's not my fault. I'm sorry for it all, but it's not my fault.
As for the goal of ttc...it just keeps slipping lower on the importance ladder. I'm not even sure if I'm ovulating this month. I'm temping most days and haven't seen a temp shift yet, today is CD14, and I've had no ewcm. I thought it was watery once, but nothing since really. And we haven't done anything which could result in a child and I don't suspect we're going to. There's just too much going on right now.
Walter and his family, it just breaks my heart, but he's so good at seeing the bigger picture and understanding why everyone is responding the way they are. His Uncle Bill died after we were all supposed to see him on the 4th, but we left because it just wasn't a good place to be. His poor Mom, I love her, but she's so sick. Kathy and Sharon are taking it way too personally and are not dealing well at all with losing their Mother. I can't imagine really how they feel. I pushed the Mother Daughter relationship out of my life a long time ago. Sometimes I envy others who have their Mothers, but I don't remember having much of one really, so I guess I don't really know what I've missed. I know it affects me as a Mother, but I also know that Tara and Noah are much more difficult than your average child.
Back to work I guess. I don't think I really feel better, but it's out of my system a little so I can hopefully accomplish something with this day.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Just trying to get through the morning
Where do I even begin? I can't blame Clomid, I didn't take it this month. My eyes are filled with tears that I can't stop and I feel so full of sadness, regret, and worry that I just don't know what to do. I couldn't pick out clothes for Noah to wear this morning and broke down crying. Walter took off today and I just lost it in front of him. Who knows what he's thinking is wrong with me. What is wrong with me? Why does everything seem so hopeless? How do I believe my mantra, "Life can change in the blink of an eye." I'm waiting for it to change...I need it to change. I can't go on like this. I just simply feel like I'm falling apart. I don't feel like I can hold on much longer. I guess I try to write it out here and hope for some kind of relief.
I want a cigarette. They're bad for me and Walter doesn't want me to smoke and I know nothing would be solved, but I just do. Stimulant or not, I want one, and I can't shake it from my mind.
I'm supposed to go to acupuncture and I didn't shave my legs and going anywhere and dealing with anyone feels like torture. I've got a couple of hours to decide whether or not to go.
The meeting with Crider and Edgewood is looming. We don't know what they're going to say and we're probably going to have to hire the attorney. I do not anticipate any single part of it to be easy or even remotely simple or smooth. I am expecting a fight with tears, anger, hysterics, and who knows what. I don't care what anyone thinks or how they feel about it, Tara cannot return to our home. She does not belong there. She sucked me in and spit me out and continues to try to get to me. I feel horrible that I failed at parenting her and for all the things that have happened in her life, but she is absolutely toxic to me and only brings me angst.
I need Walter to be my rock, but he's got his own chaos to deal with, and probably feels like he needs me to take charge and make decisions. He's hurting so much right now over his family and I know it is tearing him apart inside. Visits to OK will never be the same. I can't even imagine what is going to happen at this point, but whatever happens, it won't be pretty.
As for ttc, I guess it's on hold, there's just too much going on. I don't know why I thought I'd be able to get pg and all would be better. What was I thinking? So, no hormones this month, then I'll probably restart them again after a month off to give my body a break. I still regret and think about what I did after the loss of our little girl. What was I thinking? Why would I get an IUD and just give up? Depression I guess. Who wouldn't be depressed? I'm so afraid I will never have a child of our own. I want to believe the tarot reading, I want to so badly. September, when the moon is growing, a girl who believes in justice will be our Daughter. Anything is possible, but such a blessing in my life seems so unattainable.
I'm feeling a little calmer. I'm gonna try to do some work and I'm gonna make myself go to acupuncture. It can't hurt, and might help. As for the rest, I'm exhausted and for the moment give up.
I want a cigarette. They're bad for me and Walter doesn't want me to smoke and I know nothing would be solved, but I just do. Stimulant or not, I want one, and I can't shake it from my mind.
I'm supposed to go to acupuncture and I didn't shave my legs and going anywhere and dealing with anyone feels like torture. I've got a couple of hours to decide whether or not to go.
The meeting with Crider and Edgewood is looming. We don't know what they're going to say and we're probably going to have to hire the attorney. I do not anticipate any single part of it to be easy or even remotely simple or smooth. I am expecting a fight with tears, anger, hysterics, and who knows what. I don't care what anyone thinks or how they feel about it, Tara cannot return to our home. She does not belong there. She sucked me in and spit me out and continues to try to get to me. I feel horrible that I failed at parenting her and for all the things that have happened in her life, but she is absolutely toxic to me and only brings me angst.
I need Walter to be my rock, but he's got his own chaos to deal with, and probably feels like he needs me to take charge and make decisions. He's hurting so much right now over his family and I know it is tearing him apart inside. Visits to OK will never be the same. I can't even imagine what is going to happen at this point, but whatever happens, it won't be pretty.
As for ttc, I guess it's on hold, there's just too much going on. I don't know why I thought I'd be able to get pg and all would be better. What was I thinking? So, no hormones this month, then I'll probably restart them again after a month off to give my body a break. I still regret and think about what I did after the loss of our little girl. What was I thinking? Why would I get an IUD and just give up? Depression I guess. Who wouldn't be depressed? I'm so afraid I will never have a child of our own. I want to believe the tarot reading, I want to so badly. September, when the moon is growing, a girl who believes in justice will be our Daughter. Anything is possible, but such a blessing in my life seems so unattainable.
I'm feeling a little calmer. I'm gonna try to do some work and I'm gonna make myself go to acupuncture. It can't hurt, and might help. As for the rest, I'm exhausted and for the moment give up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)