I guess I'm not much of a 'blogger' really. I read other blog posts and they seem so informative and helpful versus my bitching and whining. I feel like that's what I do here mostly, but I guess it's just for me really anyway.
From a quiz I took on facebook, very scientific I know:
"You are very busy dealing with things that seem like they would make no sense to the people in your life. You long for communion emotionally with someone but can't seem to find anyone who fits the bill. It is exceedingly important for an Oceanic soul to realize they are part of something by nature that is so vast, so incredible, so infinitely changing that they do not need to 'connect' the way they have learned to think that they do. All they really need to do is take notice of the beauty they are a real bonafide part of and participate fully. It is by exerting will in this small behavioral way that will bring them into a light that is very attractive to the right kind of people for them. Ironically, once an Oceanic realizes what they are a part of and starts to really willfully participate, they no longer feel such a need for connection..."
I don't know if any of this really means anything, but I have noticed in my life that nothing happens by accident and most things do have a great meaning for me. I have always felt like I was looking for that group or person to connect with and always watched as they connect with someone else around me instead. I've always felt out of the loop and like an outsider everywhere I go. So, what I'm getting from the above is that I need to stop trying to connect so precisely and instead take a more general approach to being a part of the life I already have. I'm not really sure exactly what it is that I'm a part of at this point, but I'm willing to try and figure it out. I can't keep going the way I have for all of these years. I get so depressed when I fail over and over again.
So, Thursday is the day. I can't think about much else. The Day My Heart Broke, that's what I call it. It's truly the most heartbreaking thing I can think of in my life. I can only imagine what the future will bring because I anticipate something will happen that is worse or at least equally as painful. I don't really feel much like talking about it now. The words just aren't with me, but the thoughts are there, and I just wanted to acknowledge that I remember.
Then the meeting at Edgewood. I keep telling myself to hang on to Walter, let him be my rock, don't say much, and just get through it. I don't like 'abandoning' Tara, but she truly brings so much pain into my life that I just don't deserve. She's taking out on me all the things that have hurt her and dammit I have enough shit to deal with. I'm sorry we adopted her and put all of us through this, I'm so sorry. I can't change what has happened, I can only try to make things as they need to be for every one's future. I don't have all the answers, but I do believe Tara has spoken the truth when she has said she resents us for adopting her and that she just wants to be with her biofamily. I do not feel like her Mother. I do not crave taking care of her needs. I realize she pushed me away because of all the times she has been hurt, but I think she is best off back in Oklahoma. I would like to see her get an education and learn the skills she needs, but it's not up to me what she does with her life. She's making her own decisions and choosing to not be involved in improving her situation. It's not my fault. I'm sorry for it all, but it's not my fault.
As for the goal of ttc...it just keeps slipping lower on the importance ladder. I'm not even sure if I'm ovulating this month. I'm temping most days and haven't seen a temp shift yet, today is CD14, and I've had no ewcm. I thought it was watery once, but nothing since really. And we haven't done anything which could result in a child and I don't suspect we're going to. There's just too much going on right now.
Walter and his family, it just breaks my heart, but he's so good at seeing the bigger picture and understanding why everyone is responding the way they are. His Uncle Bill died after we were all supposed to see him on the 4th, but we left because it just wasn't a good place to be. His poor Mom, I love her, but she's so sick. Kathy and Sharon are taking it way too personally and are not dealing well at all with losing their Mother. I can't imagine really how they feel. I pushed the Mother Daughter relationship out of my life a long time ago. Sometimes I envy others who have their Mothers, but I don't remember having much of one really, so I guess I don't really know what I've missed. I know it affects me as a Mother, but I also know that Tara and Noah are much more difficult than your average child.
Back to work I guess. I don't think I really feel better, but it's out of my system a little so I can hopefully accomplish something with this day.
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