I'm supposed to be happy...that's what was basically just said to me by Rebecca. I trust her, she's been wonderful, and I respect her opinions and thoughts. So she didn't say, "You should be happy." But she said the TFH for Tara all sounds good and things are moving in the right direction and she'll have someone to supervise her and take care of her needs. Then when things are more settled with Tara and we know she's safe and in a good place then I'll have more energy to deal with Noah and the stuff like yesterday will be able to be handled better.
Then why do I feel so inadequate and walked all over and pushed aside and dismissed? What is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy about the knowledge that Tara really is not returning to our home? It's what I wanted, it's what I think is best for so many reasons and now tha't it's finally happening all I can think is how dare them for taking care of her and making it look so easy and taking over where I failed.
Rebecca repeated that we did what we could for her and now we're doing what is best for her. I want to believe that, I want to know that we tried with everything we had and it wasn't our fault, things just didn't work out. She was too hurt, too traumatized, too angry, and too scared to let go and be with us.
I think I'm scared too. I'm scared that I'm not a good parent and that I'm going to fail Noah. I want it to work with him, no matter how many times I feel like giving up. He still shows he wants to be with us and he keeps trying. He's so much like me, I feel like he's my Son.
I guess I'm feeling a little better since talking to Rebecca. She helped me put things in perspective, even if I'm still very hurt by the changes.
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