Making physical changes

Oh, so many emotions and craziness today. I know I need to sort some of it out so I'm going to try. Where shall I start?

How about with Tara. My first thought? I'm angry that everyone is now 'swooping' in to help her. Why does the system do that? Why didn't they help us more when we needed it? Now they get to be the good guys and give Tara everything she wants and take her to do fun stuff and we're the horrible, awful people that gave up on her. I hate that it has worked out this way, but I feel powerless to do anything about it. I talked to Jill about her today. It's funny how positive I can be to others about everything we did and having to let go and not consider ourselves failures. Meanwhile I'm so hard on myself and feel miserable. No one can change that, no matter how many times we're told we did what we could. Was it a bad match? Or did we give up because we couldn't parent a child that never gave anything back? Is that her fault? Are we in the wrong? I could go on all day. I know it's not productive, but it's there and I can't stop the thoughts.

I started going through her closet today and filled a large box with clothes and shoes to give away. She doesn't need so much stuff and I'm sure someone will buy her new stuff and she'll share clothes with other girls and on and on...just like before. I wanted to go through more, but Noah's home, so it will have to wait. I asked Walter to delete her icon off the computer. I'm planning to pack away the notebooks we wrote to each other in and other letters she wrote to me. I think the sooner I do these things the sooner I will start to heal. I look in her room every single time I go upstairs, I know that can't be healthy. And I don't look in longing to see her, I want her presence out of my home. I feel horrible actually saying that. I'm not sure what else will happen with her stuff, she has so much in our basement. I guess we just send some and the rest has to stay here. I decided to buy a photo album and put in pictures of all of us and Holidays and stuff for her. Then she can't have all bad memories...right? We really did try, I put in so many hours begging her to talk to me and taking her to therapy and out of the house alone to talk and we took her on vacation and we did charts and contracts and homeschool and let her visit and talk with her Biofamily. We did a lot, I'm sure we did, so why do I have to keep convincing myself? When is this going to get easier? Will I ever feel happy again? Will life ever be enjoyable again in my home? Right now I leave to be happy cause I'm miserable in my own home. How do people do this? How do I feel good when both these children do everything they can to make me not care about them and not love them and not want to be around them? I want to give up so badly and just not care about anything. I'm so angry and moody and bitter and ugly all the time. What kind of life am I living? How do I make it better? I hate feeling so helpless.

I'm crying my eyes out and Toby's right under my feet, he's a good dog. I'm only talking to change the subject and try to regain some sanity. I need to eat dinner soon so I can walk with the girls and keep attempting to lose weight. All I'm doing is gaining, but I eat like crazy and I sit on my butt the days I don't walk and I know we're not doing enough that's why I keep trying to go early so I can start running again before they get there. I need to charge my phone so I can listen to the radio. I really like the music while I'm alone in the park, it's very therapeutic. Ok, I'm calmer again, gotta switch out the laundry and eat and get to the park.