Where do I even begin? I can't blame Clomid, I didn't take it this month. My eyes are filled with tears that I can't stop and I feel so full of sadness, regret, and worry that I just don't know what to do. I couldn't pick out clothes for Noah to wear this morning and broke down crying. Walter took off today and I just lost it in front of him. Who knows what he's thinking is wrong with me. What is wrong with me? Why does everything seem so hopeless? How do I believe my mantra, "Life can change in the blink of an eye." I'm waiting for it to change...I need it to change. I can't go on like this. I just simply feel like I'm falling apart. I don't feel like I can hold on much longer. I guess I try to write it out here and hope for some kind of relief.
I want a cigarette. They're bad for me and Walter doesn't want me to smoke and I know nothing would be solved, but I just do. Stimulant or not, I want one, and I can't shake it from my mind.
I'm supposed to go to acupuncture and I didn't shave my legs and going anywhere and dealing with anyone feels like torture. I've got a couple of hours to decide whether or not to go.
The meeting with Crider and Edgewood is looming. We don't know what they're going to say and we're probably going to have to hire the attorney. I do not anticipate any single part of it to be easy or even remotely simple or smooth. I am expecting a fight with tears, anger, hysterics, and who knows what. I don't care what anyone thinks or how they feel about it, Tara cannot return to our home. She does not belong there. She sucked me in and spit me out and continues to try to get to me. I feel horrible that I failed at parenting her and for all the things that have happened in her life, but she is absolutely toxic to me and only brings me angst.
I need Walter to be my rock, but he's got his own chaos to deal with, and probably feels like he needs me to take charge and make decisions. He's hurting so much right now over his family and I know it is tearing him apart inside. Visits to OK will never be the same. I can't even imagine what is going to happen at this point, but whatever happens, it won't be pretty.
As for ttc, I guess it's on hold, there's just too much going on. I don't know why I thought I'd be able to get pg and all would be better. What was I thinking? So, no hormones this month, then I'll probably restart them again after a month off to give my body a break. I still regret and think about what I did after the loss of our little girl. What was I thinking? Why would I get an IUD and just give up? Depression I guess. Who wouldn't be depressed? I'm so afraid I will never have a child of our own. I want to believe the tarot reading, I want to so badly. September, when the moon is growing, a girl who believes in justice will be our Daughter. Anything is possible, but such a blessing in my life seems so unattainable.
I'm feeling a little calmer. I'm gonna try to do some work and I'm gonna make myself go to acupuncture. It can't hurt, and might help. As for the rest, I'm exhausted and for the moment give up.
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