Sunday, April 17, 2011
Either way it's sad
Trying to make the most of today...should be doing that everyday I suppose. Another hearing about Noah is tomorrow. It's absolutely so incredibly bittersweet. It breaks my heart that things have turned out this way. Our happiness with Sophie has resulted in so much sadness for Noah. Of course life was never perfect with him and maybe this was bound to happen with or without Sophie coming into our lives, but still I hate how it's all turned out. Nevermind the stupid crap with the social worker and the state, just losing our child...again...is a very difficult process. I did not enjoy packing up Noah's things and handing them over to the social worker...no matter how many times he hurt us, it was still very hard to let it go. And I will enjoy even less the hearing tomorrow morning. Of course we don't know exactly what will happen, but nothing good will come out of it. Either they side with us and we lose custody and pay child support and have no more contact with Noah or they side for the state and we drag it out longer through the courts and a contested hearing...only to result in losing custody or refusing custody and being charged with child neglect. It all sounds so horrible to actually say it. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Finding myself again
Well at least I didn't wait a year this time to post again. I'm completely exhausted and may not make perfect sense so forgive me if I get off track or whatever. I just don't feel like going to bed yet and since there's really nothing going on this weekend I think I'm allowed to stay up as late as I want. I feel like I'm babbling...hmmm...I wonder why?
I went back and read all my blog posts...wow, so negative and brought back a lot of thoughts and feelings. I also noticed that I tend to ask a lot of questions. I guess to try and work out answers for myself.
So Sophie was only 3 months old the last time I posted. She's now 9.5 months old and still such a ray of sunshine. She has her moments...the little drama queen, but she's a happy girl most of the time and she sleeps great and has been eating like a champ. I've managed to breastfeed this long and have even been making most of her food. Both huge accomplishments for me...someone who can't stick with anything...ever. Anything for my baby girl though, she brings that out in me.
Tara has returned to Missouri and is still here as far as we know. She's made contact with Walter, but pretty much just asked questions about her insurance and lack there of. Who knows who she's been staying with or what she's been doing. I hate that she's not safe and that I'm powerless to do anything about it, but it's really always been that way with her. She's never really allowed me to be a part of her life...a real part.
Noah has just recently been transferred from MG residential to a MG TFH. So far he's done okay and as expected. Who knows if he'll be able to handle it long term or what will happen ultimately with him. CD was at the house last night and she was NOT nice. She made a statement that they didn't want Noah to be somewhere that he wasn't wanted and wouldn't be taken care of. OMG! We have never neglected that child, or any child for that matter. We don't hate our children and we would never deprive them, but I can't allow for any of them to be in danger and risk one of them doing something they would regret for the rest of their lives. Ugh! We've already had one hearing, but it was really a waste of time, and our next hearing is scheduled for Monday in 3 days. The attorney says he feels they have enough evidence that it would not be safe for Noah to return to our home and that we cannot meet his mental health needs. He said we will just have to wait and see and if the court does not agree then we will move on to a contested hearing. I know nothing about this, but that's what he said. I just want to get this weekend over with so we can get the hearing over with. It's so scary worrying about it, there's just so many what ifs.
I should talk more about Sophie, but I guess I'll just have to hope that I keep this up for myself and not wait another 7 months or a year to write again. I love my baby...more than I ever knew was possible. She makes me a better person and makes me want to do everything for her.
I went back and read all my blog posts...wow, so negative and brought back a lot of thoughts and feelings. I also noticed that I tend to ask a lot of questions. I guess to try and work out answers for myself.
So Sophie was only 3 months old the last time I posted. She's now 9.5 months old and still such a ray of sunshine. She has her moments...the little drama queen, but she's a happy girl most of the time and she sleeps great and has been eating like a champ. I've managed to breastfeed this long and have even been making most of her food. Both huge accomplishments for me...someone who can't stick with anything...ever. Anything for my baby girl though, she brings that out in me.
Tara has returned to Missouri and is still here as far as we know. She's made contact with Walter, but pretty much just asked questions about her insurance and lack there of. Who knows who she's been staying with or what she's been doing. I hate that she's not safe and that I'm powerless to do anything about it, but it's really always been that way with her. She's never really allowed me to be a part of her life...a real part.
Noah has just recently been transferred from MG residential to a MG TFH. So far he's done okay and as expected. Who knows if he'll be able to handle it long term or what will happen ultimately with him. CD was at the house last night and she was NOT nice. She made a statement that they didn't want Noah to be somewhere that he wasn't wanted and wouldn't be taken care of. OMG! We have never neglected that child, or any child for that matter. We don't hate our children and we would never deprive them, but I can't allow for any of them to be in danger and risk one of them doing something they would regret for the rest of their lives. Ugh! We've already had one hearing, but it was really a waste of time, and our next hearing is scheduled for Monday in 3 days. The attorney says he feels they have enough evidence that it would not be safe for Noah to return to our home and that we cannot meet his mental health needs. He said we will just have to wait and see and if the court does not agree then we will move on to a contested hearing. I know nothing about this, but that's what he said. I just want to get this weekend over with so we can get the hearing over with. It's so scary worrying about it, there's just so many what ifs.
I should talk more about Sophie, but I guess I'll just have to hope that I keep this up for myself and not wait another 7 months or a year to write again. I love my baby...more than I ever knew was possible. She makes me a better person and makes me want to do everything for her.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
What a difference a year can make
Where do I even begin? I read my last few posts and so much has changed since then. The biggest and most amazing event in my life finally happened. We got pregnant! And not only did we finally get pregnant, but we made it through the entire pregnancy with a happy and healthy baby girl! Miss Sophia Rachel Kelley was born via C-Section on June 25th, 2010 at 9:00am weighing 7lbs 14oz and 20.5 in long. Wow! I never updated here because I had the amazing ladies of TWW to be there for me every step of the way. Through the early stages praying my LO would stick and through the genetic testing and all of the u/s and up until the end when Sophia was born. She's truly the best thing that's ever happened to us and some days I can still hardly believe we made her and she's ours. Of course so much more has happened over the last year, but Sophie has been the priority and the shining star in our lives. No matter how upset or sad or angry I become over other issues I can look at her and still smile. I'll be writing much more about her as time goes on and I hope I can continue updating here on a consistent basis.
So, Tara...end result she's in Oklahoma with her Biofamily. She did go to the treatment family home and she attempted to please everyone and try to do what was right. But in the end she did as I predicted and ran away from everything except her Biofamily. She certainly has the right to, who am I to say that she should be part of another family? If I could have seen into the future we probably would have just fostered her, but who knew. Of course she's already been making awful choices since leaving, but all I can do now is pray for her that she gets herself straightened out. She's made her choices and will continue to do so. I still feel bad about all of it, like I failed her, and I should have done more, but it's over now. She turned 18 and is technically an adult and with time I hope the pain I know we both feel subsides.
And Noah...the start of 3rd grade did not go well. And then when he found out about Sophie around Christmas he continued to act out even worse and became very jealous. In the Spring of this year he was admitted to CP Hospital, something we tried very hard to avoid since he came to our family. He was there for 6 weeks and ultimately told us and the SW that he was basically hoping I would get a disease or be in a car accident and Sophie would never be born. CD stepped in and sent Noah to MG Residential where he's been since. He's done some threatening and has been oppositional like always and talked about his BioMom with the therapist. He says he doesn't need me because he already has a Mom and of course he's still all about Walter and wanting him to be his Dad. We had our 1st family therapy session yesterday and that was really difficult for me. I didn't sleep and started getting nauseous in the morning and was anxious about seeing Noah and especially about bringing Sophie with us. Walter and I talked to the therapist without Noah most of the meeting and she definitely knew I was not in a good place and saw my anxiety over seeing Noah. He finally came in and made little eye contact and acted subdued and wouldn't even look at Sophie until the therapist prompted him. We only talked briefly and he said he missed being home. His answer to what he missed the most was "Having my own room." And when he was asked if he liked his new baby Sister he first shrugged and then quickly said "yeah." Walter and I both saw his hesitation and body language means so much with him because he just refuses to tell the truth. Honestly I was so glad to leave there and couldn't walk to the car fast enough. Then after some time in the car to breath again and gather my thoughts I finally spoke to Walter. I could barely hold back my relief that it was over with and my mood changed so much more positive.
We had a nice dinner out and unfortunately another failed attempt at feeding Sophie with a bottle, but all we can do is keep trying. Like we did today, which also failed, and by the time I fed her I guess because she had gotten so worked up she ended up throwing up on me and her. I gave her a bath and lotioned her up, swaddled her and she was fast asleep in no time. She's still sleeping now, and in her own crib, which is awesome and at least she's making progress there. I decided to update here after the girls brought up blogs on TWW and I'm basically alone right now after a fight with Walter. He's been in our room for quite a while now and I guess not speaking to me. It was all about my feelings that he isn't proactive when taking care of Sophie and always waits for me to tell him what to do. It really bugs me that he's not taken a bigger interest in her needs. I know he's depressed about his family, who wouldn't be. I'm depressed about it too, it's a horrible situation. But it has nothing to do with his Daughter and her needs. I've often resigned myself to the fact that I will be her caregiver most of the time, but then I get mad again when I want a break and he still needs direction. He's done great with all of the external things, he'll buy her diapers, and he set everything up while we were out of town, and he'll do whatever I ask, but I don't feel like I can leave her with him. It's not like he's going to just ignore her if she cries, but he'd definitely wait until then to really do much and she still won't take a bottle from him and I'm not sure he would have much luck with getting her to sleep either.
Well, Sophie is waking up so I better go. More to come very soon I hope!
So, Tara...end result she's in Oklahoma with her Biofamily. She did go to the treatment family home and she attempted to please everyone and try to do what was right. But in the end she did as I predicted and ran away from everything except her Biofamily. She certainly has the right to, who am I to say that she should be part of another family? If I could have seen into the future we probably would have just fostered her, but who knew. Of course she's already been making awful choices since leaving, but all I can do now is pray for her that she gets herself straightened out. She's made her choices and will continue to do so. I still feel bad about all of it, like I failed her, and I should have done more, but it's over now. She turned 18 and is technically an adult and with time I hope the pain I know we both feel subsides.
And Noah...the start of 3rd grade did not go well. And then when he found out about Sophie around Christmas he continued to act out even worse and became very jealous. In the Spring of this year he was admitted to CP Hospital, something we tried very hard to avoid since he came to our family. He was there for 6 weeks and ultimately told us and the SW that he was basically hoping I would get a disease or be in a car accident and Sophie would never be born. CD stepped in and sent Noah to MG Residential where he's been since. He's done some threatening and has been oppositional like always and talked about his BioMom with the therapist. He says he doesn't need me because he already has a Mom and of course he's still all about Walter and wanting him to be his Dad. We had our 1st family therapy session yesterday and that was really difficult for me. I didn't sleep and started getting nauseous in the morning and was anxious about seeing Noah and especially about bringing Sophie with us. Walter and I talked to the therapist without Noah most of the meeting and she definitely knew I was not in a good place and saw my anxiety over seeing Noah. He finally came in and made little eye contact and acted subdued and wouldn't even look at Sophie until the therapist prompted him. We only talked briefly and he said he missed being home. His answer to what he missed the most was "Having my own room." And when he was asked if he liked his new baby Sister he first shrugged and then quickly said "yeah." Walter and I both saw his hesitation and body language means so much with him because he just refuses to tell the truth. Honestly I was so glad to leave there and couldn't walk to the car fast enough. Then after some time in the car to breath again and gather my thoughts I finally spoke to Walter. I could barely hold back my relief that it was over with and my mood changed so much more positive.
We had a nice dinner out and unfortunately another failed attempt at feeding Sophie with a bottle, but all we can do is keep trying. Like we did today, which also failed, and by the time I fed her I guess because she had gotten so worked up she ended up throwing up on me and her. I gave her a bath and lotioned her up, swaddled her and she was fast asleep in no time. She's still sleeping now, and in her own crib, which is awesome and at least she's making progress there. I decided to update here after the girls brought up blogs on TWW and I'm basically alone right now after a fight with Walter. He's been in our room for quite a while now and I guess not speaking to me. It was all about my feelings that he isn't proactive when taking care of Sophie and always waits for me to tell him what to do. It really bugs me that he's not taken a bigger interest in her needs. I know he's depressed about his family, who wouldn't be. I'm depressed about it too, it's a horrible situation. But it has nothing to do with his Daughter and her needs. I've often resigned myself to the fact that I will be her caregiver most of the time, but then I get mad again when I want a break and he still needs direction. He's done great with all of the external things, he'll buy her diapers, and he set everything up while we were out of town, and he'll do whatever I ask, but I don't feel like I can leave her with him. It's not like he's going to just ignore her if she cries, but he'd definitely wait until then to really do much and she still won't take a bottle from him and I'm not sure he would have much luck with getting her to sleep either.
Well, Sophie is waking up so I better go. More to come very soon I hope!
Monday, October 26, 2009
I'm not even sure how to start this post. I guess I just say it, I'm pregnant. It's still very unreal to me & of course I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. I'm trying to be positive & dream about what could be if this little one develops into a healthy baby...girl according to everyone, we shall see if I make it to the CVS testing. That's a whole other story, 1st I gotta get my 2nd beta results. Then after that if all is well I wanna hear that amazing heartbeat. I want it all, the whole experience, I'm ready for it. So the +hpt was on 10/22, I really had no definite plan to do a test, but something convinced me too. It was 14dpo & still no spotting, so I thought I might as well. Walter was just as surprised as I was. Then my 1st beta was on 10/23 & the result was 123. I had my 2nd beta drawn today & will get the results tomorrow. I'm so nervous, but again trying to be positive & hope for big numbers. I spotted brown cm Friday morning through Sunday night, none today & I hope it's done. I've been feeling gassy, peeing more, bb's hurt bad, had heartburn today, & I even had some of the pulling & tugging feelings in my belly. It's wonderful to feel something for a change.
Friday, September 25, 2009
No one but me
Hi, how are you? I'm miserable...thanks for asking...I hate everyone and everything this morning and wish I could just stop trying. I don't know if I'd ever really say that to anyone, but I wish I had someone in my life that I could say it to if I needed to.
My life feels so completely empty and I feel like such a failure. I don't understand why I'm not allowed to have children. Would it even help? Or am I putting too much into it making my life better. I can't really imagine a baby right now because of Noah. Who knows what he would do to the baby or me because he's mad at me for having a baby. I believe he's capable of a lot of things, he just doesn't seem to have much remorse and is very impulsive. I know he'd be jealous so I guess it's not right for us to have a baby anyway. My life sucks enough as it is and has for a long time, why add more stress? I'm supposed to start Clomid tomorrow and it's the last month I have of it. Do I even bother? This is the 10th month we've tried and I know we're not going to keep trying, at least not with medication. I'm not going to keep taking it, I know it makes me crazier than I already am. And I just don't see doing IVF, we haven't saved for it and we're getting so old. I hate the idea of giving up on it all, but what else am I supposed to do? I just don't have the answers anymore. I'm exhausted and always helping other people and I just want to give up.
What would happen if I just stopped and do I really care? I feel bad that Noah's school pictures suck because I'm a horrible Mom that didn't know it was picture day, but does it really matter? He'll take it again or not and we'll have other pictures and he hasn't changed that much. I don't know what else would happen really. CHC would just hire another nurse just like they would if I leave to work somewhere else. Tara already doesn't need me...she never did really. I just don't know about Walter, I believe he loves me, but it's all turned out so crappy. Our life together just isn't what either one of us wanted and there doesn't seem to be any way out of it or to make it better.
I feel like everything I try falls apart or fails or makes things worse. What else am I supposed to do? I certainly don't have any solutions or ideas at this point and I wouldn't know anyone to ask if they did. I guess everyone has their own problems and life to deal with, why would they even want to help me. So, here I sit with no answers and I don't feel better and I just want to get up and walk out of here and sit in my bed with my kitty and play on the computer and watch stupid tv and be left alone. I could see myself isolating in my room for a long time. I just don't have the motivation or desire to do anything. I just don't care about anything.
I keep shopping and doing things like getting Sid to try and replace what I want in my life and it's just making it all more complicated and nothing is any better. So I guess now I type my notes for work and take care of my clients and go home and nothing changes and I'm still miserable and hate my life.
My life feels so completely empty and I feel like such a failure. I don't understand why I'm not allowed to have children. Would it even help? Or am I putting too much into it making my life better. I can't really imagine a baby right now because of Noah. Who knows what he would do to the baby or me because he's mad at me for having a baby. I believe he's capable of a lot of things, he just doesn't seem to have much remorse and is very impulsive. I know he'd be jealous so I guess it's not right for us to have a baby anyway. My life sucks enough as it is and has for a long time, why add more stress? I'm supposed to start Clomid tomorrow and it's the last month I have of it. Do I even bother? This is the 10th month we've tried and I know we're not going to keep trying, at least not with medication. I'm not going to keep taking it, I know it makes me crazier than I already am. And I just don't see doing IVF, we haven't saved for it and we're getting so old. I hate the idea of giving up on it all, but what else am I supposed to do? I just don't have the answers anymore. I'm exhausted and always helping other people and I just want to give up.
What would happen if I just stopped and do I really care? I feel bad that Noah's school pictures suck because I'm a horrible Mom that didn't know it was picture day, but does it really matter? He'll take it again or not and we'll have other pictures and he hasn't changed that much. I don't know what else would happen really. CHC would just hire another nurse just like they would if I leave to work somewhere else. Tara already doesn't need me...she never did really. I just don't know about Walter, I believe he loves me, but it's all turned out so crappy. Our life together just isn't what either one of us wanted and there doesn't seem to be any way out of it or to make it better.
I feel like everything I try falls apart or fails or makes things worse. What else am I supposed to do? I certainly don't have any solutions or ideas at this point and I wouldn't know anyone to ask if they did. I guess everyone has their own problems and life to deal with, why would they even want to help me. So, here I sit with no answers and I don't feel better and I just want to get up and walk out of here and sit in my bed with my kitty and play on the computer and watch stupid tv and be left alone. I could see myself isolating in my room for a long time. I just don't have the motivation or desire to do anything. I just don't care about anything.
I keep shopping and doing things like getting Sid to try and replace what I want in my life and it's just making it all more complicated and nothing is any better. So I guess now I type my notes for work and take care of my clients and go home and nothing changes and I'm still miserable and hate my life.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
An emptiness I can't bear today
I feel so down today and full of anger and sadness. I'm at work, trying to get through the day. Sid has to go under general anesthesia today to suture up the hole in his neck from a silly wart after he ripped out the last stitches. I'm hoping he's okay and that the vet would call me if there was any kind of problem.
I can barely sit here without crying. I keep holding the tears back and trying to stay busy to keep my mind off everything, but so many memories keep flooding into my head today. Before I got on here I was thinking about the time we told Walter's family we were ttc. They were so excited...almost as much as we were. And look at all of us now. So, much pain and sorrow and so many bad memories. It seems like a lifetime ago.
I want so much to be excited again about ttc, but the experiences in my life have made it damn near impossible. I am in control of how I feel, but I don't feel like I can be positive and excited. I've had so much pain and it all seems so fresh like an open wound...like poor Sid. PTSD? Depression? Probably both, but what are ya gonna do? Right now...I want to give up on everything. I don't want to work, go back home, see anyone or anything, or be anyone. Will I end my life? No, cause that's just not me. I wouldn't leave everything and everyone to deal with my shit. I don't know what I'll do, just keeping telling myself, "Everything can change in the blink of an eye." That's what I was told, but she also told me I would get pg and I would have a little girl and she will stand up for justice and she will be an impatient amazing spirit. I was told we would conceive her when the moon is getting full in September. Well, September is almost over and the full moon was on 9/4/09 and we didn't try until 9/5/09 and I O'd on 9/10/09. I'll start another cycle this month, which is still September and I guess still a possibility of her being accurate, but I feel like all our chances are coming to an end. I run out of Clomid next month and don't think I can get pg without it and don't think Dr. Wilbois will give me more and Walter's never going to do IVF. And did I mention that I'm 34 and Walter's almost 42? I feel so old and I feel like I've lost my life. I feel like it's too late and I don't like how it's turned out. I feel so empty.
I can barely sit here without crying. I keep holding the tears back and trying to stay busy to keep my mind off everything, but so many memories keep flooding into my head today. Before I got on here I was thinking about the time we told Walter's family we were ttc. They were so excited...almost as much as we were. And look at all of us now. So, much pain and sorrow and so many bad memories. It seems like a lifetime ago.
I want so much to be excited again about ttc, but the experiences in my life have made it damn near impossible. I am in control of how I feel, but I don't feel like I can be positive and excited. I've had so much pain and it all seems so fresh like an open wound...like poor Sid. PTSD? Depression? Probably both, but what are ya gonna do? Right now...I want to give up on everything. I don't want to work, go back home, see anyone or anything, or be anyone. Will I end my life? No, cause that's just not me. I wouldn't leave everything and everyone to deal with my shit. I don't know what I'll do, just keeping telling myself, "Everything can change in the blink of an eye." That's what I was told, but she also told me I would get pg and I would have a little girl and she will stand up for justice and she will be an impatient amazing spirit. I was told we would conceive her when the moon is getting full in September. Well, September is almost over and the full moon was on 9/4/09 and we didn't try until 9/5/09 and I O'd on 9/10/09. I'll start another cycle this month, which is still September and I guess still a possibility of her being accurate, but I feel like all our chances are coming to an end. I run out of Clomid next month and don't think I can get pg without it and don't think Dr. Wilbois will give me more and Walter's never going to do IVF. And did I mention that I'm 34 and Walter's almost 42? I feel so old and I feel like I've lost my life. I feel like it's too late and I don't like how it's turned out. I feel so empty.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Finally able to breathe again
Sid is home! Finally after all the drama and craziness I got to pick-up and bring home Sid last night. The 1st night went pretty well and it seems the family will all get along. The Bubbas did okay and didn't freak out, but they were kept on leashes with Sid and Toby got smacked once. It was actually really funny, he pouted afterwards for a while and seemed completely defeated by the little kitty. Daisy stayed close to me as usual and really didn't seem to interested. A little more time and I think everyone will be able to roam free.
I kinda feel a little like I'm using the cat to fulfill my need for a baby, but I don't feel bad about it. I love Sid and was happy to rescue him from the shelter and the couple that abandoned him. He's part of the family already and if we add a baby to the mix too so be it.
I've been feeling soooooooo much more relaxed lately. I just have a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while. I can tell my anxiety is down and the depression has been lifted quite a bit. I'm sure Sid and the excitement getting him has helped, but I know it's more about Tara and finally resolving what is going to happen with her. We're still waiting for her to spend the night at the TFH so we can see if she will have any problems with the cats there. Hopefully that will happen this weekend. Everything else seems to be working out so hopefully that's a good sign. She doesn't call anymore either, which helps a lot with my sanity. I just can't deal with her, she's absolutely toxic to my emotional well being. I shouldn't let her be, but she is and I have to stop feeling guilty about not being able to handle it all. I have to realize in her mind she wasn't going to be happy unless I was miserable.
Greg messaged me this week on FB so we've chatted back and forth a couple of times. He said I was his oldest and best (or something like that) friend and he hoped we could get together soon and talk. He's having problems with his gf and I'm not sure if it's her or him or both. He talked about blowing up and his moods being off, which I still think he could be Bipolar or maybe stuff happened to him that I really don't know about. He's obviously angry about something that he's not talking about. He is starting school again, which I'm super proud of him for, he said he feels old doing homework, but I'll support him through it if it means success for him. All I really want is for him to be happy.
In the world of ttc, I finally finished the last long ass cycle and I'm back on Clomid starting yesterday. There was so much going on yesterday I had no time to even think about it or stress over side effects or whatever. It's better that way, but I know as O day gets closer I'll be more anxious. I just have to keep telling myself, no matter how much I fight with myself about it, that I will get pg, it will happen. So many people have told me it will happen, I have to start believing it too. Oh, and I'm only trying 50mg of Clomid this time cause I don't really think I need 100mg and think it may have even overstimulated me. Last cycle, med free, I O'd on CD20 and still had a 12 day LP. O was prolonged, but my stress was crazy at the time. I guess I'm hoping to have things settled down with Tara so we can all be more relaxed and then maybe that's when I'll actually get pg. I'm also doing the acupuncture and now yoga on Saturday mornings with Janet. I've been better about remembering my vitamins too and I think I might be starting to lose a little weight. I feel like my clothes are fitting a little better. All in the name of a baby!
I kinda feel a little like I'm using the cat to fulfill my need for a baby, but I don't feel bad about it. I love Sid and was happy to rescue him from the shelter and the couple that abandoned him. He's part of the family already and if we add a baby to the mix too so be it.
I've been feeling soooooooo much more relaxed lately. I just have a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while. I can tell my anxiety is down and the depression has been lifted quite a bit. I'm sure Sid and the excitement getting him has helped, but I know it's more about Tara and finally resolving what is going to happen with her. We're still waiting for her to spend the night at the TFH so we can see if she will have any problems with the cats there. Hopefully that will happen this weekend. Everything else seems to be working out so hopefully that's a good sign. She doesn't call anymore either, which helps a lot with my sanity. I just can't deal with her, she's absolutely toxic to my emotional well being. I shouldn't let her be, but she is and I have to stop feeling guilty about not being able to handle it all. I have to realize in her mind she wasn't going to be happy unless I was miserable.
Greg messaged me this week on FB so we've chatted back and forth a couple of times. He said I was his oldest and best (or something like that) friend and he hoped we could get together soon and talk. He's having problems with his gf and I'm not sure if it's her or him or both. He talked about blowing up and his moods being off, which I still think he could be Bipolar or maybe stuff happened to him that I really don't know about. He's obviously angry about something that he's not talking about. He is starting school again, which I'm super proud of him for, he said he feels old doing homework, but I'll support him through it if it means success for him. All I really want is for him to be happy.
In the world of ttc, I finally finished the last long ass cycle and I'm back on Clomid starting yesterday. There was so much going on yesterday I had no time to even think about it or stress over side effects or whatever. It's better that way, but I know as O day gets closer I'll be more anxious. I just have to keep telling myself, no matter how much I fight with myself about it, that I will get pg, it will happen. So many people have told me it will happen, I have to start believing it too. Oh, and I'm only trying 50mg of Clomid this time cause I don't really think I need 100mg and think it may have even overstimulated me. Last cycle, med free, I O'd on CD20 and still had a 12 day LP. O was prolonged, but my stress was crazy at the time. I guess I'm hoping to have things settled down with Tara so we can all be more relaxed and then maybe that's when I'll actually get pg. I'm also doing the acupuncture and now yoga on Saturday mornings with Janet. I've been better about remembering my vitamins too and I think I might be starting to lose a little weight. I feel like my clothes are fitting a little better. All in the name of a baby!
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