Respect & admiration, when all I feel is sadness

A perfectly lovely day spent on the internet and doing laundry. Noah was not allowed to go back to daycare today so I stayed home with him. He's in his room, compliant, but complaining he doesn't have anything to do and he wants a snack. So sorry, you would of had both had you not had a fit and been at daycare today. I do not feel sorry for him and the situation he has put himself in. The daycare owner says he has a lot of respect for me after the way Noah listened when I got there. Yeah, he listened, with firm and direct information. I did not ask him to get in the car nor did I want to chat about what happened. I want to feel good about his "respect" for me, but I can't get past all the bad feelings life with him has evoked. Only those that have been where I've been could ever possibly understand. Others bless me and my soul and comment how great it is and how hard it must be. I know they don't know what else to say, I'm just tired of hearing how much of a Saint I supposedly am only to sit here and feel so miserable.

On the ttc front, lots of ewcm today and the opk was more + than yesterday. I'm actually relieved it wasn't in my face + cause we haven't had any relations (thanks Dr. W) and I'd at least like to think it's possible for me to conceive while muddling through the 2ww. Oh, I also requested a Ruby reading. I'm excited to see what she has to say. This is what happens when I'm left home alone with a paypal account :)

I ate really well for the most part so far today. Tracking my food really helps me and holds me accountable and I'm craving bad stuff a little, but I just look at my info for the day and it keeps me in check. I'm hoping for a healthy dinner with no snacks later, and I've got to drink more water!

Combination of old and new

Walter's back home from visiting with his family in OK. His Mom is letting on like she's fine with everything, but I don't believe it. Something's gonna happen and I just hope no one gets hurt.

I'm so tired, I'm going to sleep (I hope) after I finish this post. Noah had a melt down today at daycare, crying and screaming, and the owner was holding him to keep him from hurting himself or anyone else. I got there and told him to get in the car, of course he did, and just cried the whole way home, went to his room, then ate a sandwich, showered, and off to bed. He was totally fine the last couple of days so who knows what set this off. He can't go to daycare tomorrow and I don't know what we're going to do if he gets kicked out of daycare again. What the Hell are we supposed to do? Am I supposed to quit my job?

As for ttc, we should be doing the deed, but it just ain't gonna happen tonight. Hopefully tomorrow and thereafter will be enough, I'm not holding my breath either way. With all this stress and chaos it's just not going to happen.

On a bright note I joined sparkpeople.com to track my eating and exercise and find support. I also signed up for a Turbo Kick class 2 days a week. It will be good for my mental health too if I can get my ass there. I wish someone was taking it with me, but no luck. I didn't do too bad eating this week so far, made better choices than usual overall.

Better...but no motivation

I ever so slowly began to feel a little better yesterday. Walter and I tried to celebrate 8 years of marriage together. He left work early and we had lunch at Qdoba. I was still pretty miserable at that point, so not very good company, but it was still nice to be together and to get a hug before I went back to work. Then he brought me home flowers and we enjoyed dinner at BC's Kitchen. I had the best scallops! Then after Noah went to bed we munched on the Kauai Kookies that I bought and just chatted and tried to relax. It was nice and as best as I could expect under our current circumstances.

So of course Noah acted out again at daycare yesterday and of course they still let him go swimming to appease him and cause the other kids were going. They said he had to sit out and wait 30 minutes to swim, but he knows we would not have let him. He does everything he can to get away with crap when we're not around...even when we just leave the room. He has to be watched almost constantly now, it's ridiculous. 10 seconds of freedom and he's doing something he knows he shouldn't.

Walter's going to OK on Monday and says he'll be back Wednesday. He actually thought about where I am in my cycle and figured it only 1 day off! I was shocked and amazed. So we should be fine, and seeing his family right now is more important than my cycle anyway so if things don't work out then oh well. I'm not holding my breath for it to ever work out anyway.

I'm glad to be feeling better today than yesterday. I still feel kinda edgy though and can hardly stand the fact that Noah is lying on the couch just a few feet away from me. Walter wants to get out and do something, but we can't do anything super fun like go to Six Flags since Noah can't act right and earn any kind of privileges. So, I'm not sure what our weekend will turn into, but right now we have no plans, and I'm not really excited to make any.

I can't stop crying

OMG! I do not remember Clomid doing this to me before. I'm so moody and emotional and crazy. I tried to have a relaxing afternoon on Wednesday, had lunch with Tonya, got a pedicure and my nails done, and got my hair highlighted and cut. I should be totally relaxed! I couldn't feel any less relaxed! What is it going to take? I even got my delivery of Kauai Kookies yesterday for my Anniversary today. I was happy for a moment about it, but then it was gone. I woke up feeling just miserable this morning and I hate how I feel. I even went to therapy yesterday and I thought I'd cry my eyes out and vent and feel better, but no, I was totally fine during the session. I don't even feel like myself. It has got to be the Clomid doing this to me. I'm Bitching at everyone that comes near me and mumbling under my breath about everyone else. I finally put my MP3 player in my ears and I'm just trying to type and work and interact with as few people as possible. I don't even want to be around me, so I know everyone else is like, "Damn what's her problem."

Walter's Mom was admitted to the hospital, not sure for how long, or if it will do any good. I can't even imagine how Walter is feeling right now. His Mom is such a loving and amazing woman. To see her so angry and paranoid and anxious is hard on everyone.

Tara called again last night, of course only my phone, and no message this time. I just don't have anything to say to her and I don't know what's going to happen, but I can't live with her. I'm barely surviving with Noah. I'm deeply sorry I couldn't have done more for her, but I have to take care of myself and protect myself. I cannot be the 'Mom' she's looking for, I'm not sure if anyone can.

Confessions of fear

Damn Clomid is getting to me today, I wish it were only hot flashes. I've cried over the stupidest things today and been angry and frustrated and everyone is pissing me off every where I turn. I'm assuming the worst from everyone and jumping down people's throats and no one even knows why I'm acting like an idiot. I guess it would be nice if people knew what we are going through...really, but then they act like, "Oh poor you, that's horrible, I'm so sorry." I don't want that either. I don't want pity. I want a baby.

It was so much fun to dream with the girls from the support group. We let go of our fears for just a moment to think about nurseries and baby stuff that we're so looking forward to. I don't really let myself do that. Dreaming is dangerous to my health. I just really, truly don't believe I'm going to be pg and actually give birth. As badly as I want a child with Walter, it just doesn't seem attainable. That's not to say that I don't get my hopes up and figure out what my due date would be if I got pg any given month. And that I'm not devestated every month that AF shows up. I always think...maybe this will be it, should I poas? But honestly getting pg is only half the battle and that truth scares me.

I guess this blog has been good for me to really learn some things about myself and my feelings. Even if it seems depressing and bitchy, I'm glad I'm doing it.

So, I'm at work and I'm trying to have a moment of peace and everyone keeps wanting to come in my office for one thing or another. Isn't is bad enough that I have a fake office with carpeted walls that don't go all the way to the ceiling and really have no privacy? Sometimes the nurse needs a break, but I guess I'm supposed to be available to everyone when they need me and I'm supposed to be in a good mood and I'm supposed to help them with whatever problem they are having. I just want to have a good cry so I can get some work done and get the Hell outta here for the day.

A New Day Has Come

The Celine Dion song about her Son was on the radio this morning when I turned it on to take a shower. How does music always find me? Always know what I'm struggling with? I had an awful dream about AF, it was real bad like I had a m/c. Then I woke up this morning to a major temp drop below the coverline...sigh. Another month is passing and time is running out. I'm getting old, much older than I ever thought I would be ttc. And all I have to show for it is 2 adopted children that don't want me to be their Mother. They push me away until I want to hate them, they tell me they resent me, they tell me they don't love me.

We're never gonna do injectibles, IUI or IVF, Walter would never spend that kind of money on a gamble. So, now we'll be starting the 3rd round of Clomid soon and I feel like I'm doing everything I can otherwise with supplements and vitamins, etc. The stress in our lives is so ridiculous it's probably impossible for me to get pg. It's a battle everyday with Noah, Tara's looming in the background, Amber is calling, my In-laws are a mess, and work is crazy with conflict and hostility. We don't have the time or money for a vacation, all I want to do is eat and I'm getting fatter everyday, we're both depressed and angry all the time, I have no motivation to do anything.

I keep thinking about how I always settle and never insist on or demand what I really want. Why is that? What caused me to think that way? I'm so strong minded and persistent for others and expect only the best for them. Why can't I be that way for myself? Why do I think I don't deserve what I want? I have such an issue with entitlement, is that the right word?

I need to get back to work, I just thought venting a little would get me through the day.