Hi, how are you? I'm miserable...thanks for asking...I hate everyone and everything this morning and wish I could just stop trying. I don't know if I'd ever really say that to anyone, but I wish I had someone in my life that I could say it to if I needed to.
My life feels so completely empty and I feel like such a failure. I don't understand why I'm not allowed to have children. Would it even help? Or am I putting too much into it making my life better. I can't really imagine a baby right now because of Noah. Who knows what he would do to the baby or me because he's mad at me for having a baby. I believe he's capable of a lot of things, he just doesn't seem to have much remorse and is very impulsive. I know he'd be jealous so I guess it's not right for us to have a baby anyway. My life sucks enough as it is and has for a long time, why add more stress? I'm supposed to start Clomid tomorrow and it's the last month I have of it. Do I even bother? This is the 10th month we've tried and I know we're not going to keep trying, at least not with medication. I'm not going to keep taking it, I know it makes me crazier than I already am. And I just don't see doing IVF, we haven't saved for it and we're getting so old. I hate the idea of giving up on it all, but what else am I supposed to do? I just don't have the answers anymore. I'm exhausted and always helping other people and I just want to give up.
What would happen if I just stopped and do I really care? I feel bad that Noah's school pictures suck because I'm a horrible Mom that didn't know it was picture day, but does it really matter? He'll take it again or not and we'll have other pictures and he hasn't changed that much. I don't know what else would happen really. CHC would just hire another nurse just like they would if I leave to work somewhere else. Tara already doesn't need me...she never did really. I just don't know about Walter, I believe he loves me, but it's all turned out so crappy. Our life together just isn't what either one of us wanted and there doesn't seem to be any way out of it or to make it better.
I feel like everything I try falls apart or fails or makes things worse. What else am I supposed to do? I certainly don't have any solutions or ideas at this point and I wouldn't know anyone to ask if they did. I guess everyone has their own problems and life to deal with, why would they even want to help me. So, here I sit with no answers and I don't feel better and I just want to get up and walk out of here and sit in my bed with my kitty and play on the computer and watch stupid tv and be left alone. I could see myself isolating in my room for a long time. I just don't have the motivation or desire to do anything. I just don't care about anything.
I keep shopping and doing things like getting Sid to try and replace what I want in my life and it's just making it all more complicated and nothing is any better. So I guess now I type my notes for work and take care of my clients and go home and nothing changes and I'm still miserable and hate my life.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
An emptiness I can't bear today
I feel so down today and full of anger and sadness. I'm at work, trying to get through the day. Sid has to go under general anesthesia today to suture up the hole in his neck from a silly wart after he ripped out the last stitches. I'm hoping he's okay and that the vet would call me if there was any kind of problem.
I can barely sit here without crying. I keep holding the tears back and trying to stay busy to keep my mind off everything, but so many memories keep flooding into my head today. Before I got on here I was thinking about the time we told Walter's family we were ttc. They were so excited...almost as much as we were. And look at all of us now. So, much pain and sorrow and so many bad memories. It seems like a lifetime ago.
I want so much to be excited again about ttc, but the experiences in my life have made it damn near impossible. I am in control of how I feel, but I don't feel like I can be positive and excited. I've had so much pain and it all seems so fresh like an open wound...like poor Sid. PTSD? Depression? Probably both, but what are ya gonna do? Right now...I want to give up on everything. I don't want to work, go back home, see anyone or anything, or be anyone. Will I end my life? No, cause that's just not me. I wouldn't leave everything and everyone to deal with my shit. I don't know what I'll do, just keeping telling myself, "Everything can change in the blink of an eye." That's what I was told, but she also told me I would get pg and I would have a little girl and she will stand up for justice and she will be an impatient amazing spirit. I was told we would conceive her when the moon is getting full in September. Well, September is almost over and the full moon was on 9/4/09 and we didn't try until 9/5/09 and I O'd on 9/10/09. I'll start another cycle this month, which is still September and I guess still a possibility of her being accurate, but I feel like all our chances are coming to an end. I run out of Clomid next month and don't think I can get pg without it and don't think Dr. Wilbois will give me more and Walter's never going to do IVF. And did I mention that I'm 34 and Walter's almost 42? I feel so old and I feel like I've lost my life. I feel like it's too late and I don't like how it's turned out. I feel so empty.
I can barely sit here without crying. I keep holding the tears back and trying to stay busy to keep my mind off everything, but so many memories keep flooding into my head today. Before I got on here I was thinking about the time we told Walter's family we were ttc. They were so excited...almost as much as we were. And look at all of us now. So, much pain and sorrow and so many bad memories. It seems like a lifetime ago.
I want so much to be excited again about ttc, but the experiences in my life have made it damn near impossible. I am in control of how I feel, but I don't feel like I can be positive and excited. I've had so much pain and it all seems so fresh like an open wound...like poor Sid. PTSD? Depression? Probably both, but what are ya gonna do? Right now...I want to give up on everything. I don't want to work, go back home, see anyone or anything, or be anyone. Will I end my life? No, cause that's just not me. I wouldn't leave everything and everyone to deal with my shit. I don't know what I'll do, just keeping telling myself, "Everything can change in the blink of an eye." That's what I was told, but she also told me I would get pg and I would have a little girl and she will stand up for justice and she will be an impatient amazing spirit. I was told we would conceive her when the moon is getting full in September. Well, September is almost over and the full moon was on 9/4/09 and we didn't try until 9/5/09 and I O'd on 9/10/09. I'll start another cycle this month, which is still September and I guess still a possibility of her being accurate, but I feel like all our chances are coming to an end. I run out of Clomid next month and don't think I can get pg without it and don't think Dr. Wilbois will give me more and Walter's never going to do IVF. And did I mention that I'm 34 and Walter's almost 42? I feel so old and I feel like I've lost my life. I feel like it's too late and I don't like how it's turned out. I feel so empty.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Finally able to breathe again
Sid is home! Finally after all the drama and craziness I got to pick-up and bring home Sid last night. The 1st night went pretty well and it seems the family will all get along. The Bubbas did okay and didn't freak out, but they were kept on leashes with Sid and Toby got smacked once. It was actually really funny, he pouted afterwards for a while and seemed completely defeated by the little kitty. Daisy stayed close to me as usual and really didn't seem to interested. A little more time and I think everyone will be able to roam free.
I kinda feel a little like I'm using the cat to fulfill my need for a baby, but I don't feel bad about it. I love Sid and was happy to rescue him from the shelter and the couple that abandoned him. He's part of the family already and if we add a baby to the mix too so be it.
I've been feeling soooooooo much more relaxed lately. I just have a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while. I can tell my anxiety is down and the depression has been lifted quite a bit. I'm sure Sid and the excitement getting him has helped, but I know it's more about Tara and finally resolving what is going to happen with her. We're still waiting for her to spend the night at the TFH so we can see if she will have any problems with the cats there. Hopefully that will happen this weekend. Everything else seems to be working out so hopefully that's a good sign. She doesn't call anymore either, which helps a lot with my sanity. I just can't deal with her, she's absolutely toxic to my emotional well being. I shouldn't let her be, but she is and I have to stop feeling guilty about not being able to handle it all. I have to realize in her mind she wasn't going to be happy unless I was miserable.
Greg messaged me this week on FB so we've chatted back and forth a couple of times. He said I was his oldest and best (or something like that) friend and he hoped we could get together soon and talk. He's having problems with his gf and I'm not sure if it's her or him or both. He talked about blowing up and his moods being off, which I still think he could be Bipolar or maybe stuff happened to him that I really don't know about. He's obviously angry about something that he's not talking about. He is starting school again, which I'm super proud of him for, he said he feels old doing homework, but I'll support him through it if it means success for him. All I really want is for him to be happy.
In the world of ttc, I finally finished the last long ass cycle and I'm back on Clomid starting yesterday. There was so much going on yesterday I had no time to even think about it or stress over side effects or whatever. It's better that way, but I know as O day gets closer I'll be more anxious. I just have to keep telling myself, no matter how much I fight with myself about it, that I will get pg, it will happen. So many people have told me it will happen, I have to start believing it too. Oh, and I'm only trying 50mg of Clomid this time cause I don't really think I need 100mg and think it may have even overstimulated me. Last cycle, med free, I O'd on CD20 and still had a 12 day LP. O was prolonged, but my stress was crazy at the time. I guess I'm hoping to have things settled down with Tara so we can all be more relaxed and then maybe that's when I'll actually get pg. I'm also doing the acupuncture and now yoga on Saturday mornings with Janet. I've been better about remembering my vitamins too and I think I might be starting to lose a little weight. I feel like my clothes are fitting a little better. All in the name of a baby!
I kinda feel a little like I'm using the cat to fulfill my need for a baby, but I don't feel bad about it. I love Sid and was happy to rescue him from the shelter and the couple that abandoned him. He's part of the family already and if we add a baby to the mix too so be it.
I've been feeling soooooooo much more relaxed lately. I just have a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while. I can tell my anxiety is down and the depression has been lifted quite a bit. I'm sure Sid and the excitement getting him has helped, but I know it's more about Tara and finally resolving what is going to happen with her. We're still waiting for her to spend the night at the TFH so we can see if she will have any problems with the cats there. Hopefully that will happen this weekend. Everything else seems to be working out so hopefully that's a good sign. She doesn't call anymore either, which helps a lot with my sanity. I just can't deal with her, she's absolutely toxic to my emotional well being. I shouldn't let her be, but she is and I have to stop feeling guilty about not being able to handle it all. I have to realize in her mind she wasn't going to be happy unless I was miserable.
Greg messaged me this week on FB so we've chatted back and forth a couple of times. He said I was his oldest and best (or something like that) friend and he hoped we could get together soon and talk. He's having problems with his gf and I'm not sure if it's her or him or both. He talked about blowing up and his moods being off, which I still think he could be Bipolar or maybe stuff happened to him that I really don't know about. He's obviously angry about something that he's not talking about. He is starting school again, which I'm super proud of him for, he said he feels old doing homework, but I'll support him through it if it means success for him. All I really want is for him to be happy.
In the world of ttc, I finally finished the last long ass cycle and I'm back on Clomid starting yesterday. There was so much going on yesterday I had no time to even think about it or stress over side effects or whatever. It's better that way, but I know as O day gets closer I'll be more anxious. I just have to keep telling myself, no matter how much I fight with myself about it, that I will get pg, it will happen. So many people have told me it will happen, I have to start believing it too. Oh, and I'm only trying 50mg of Clomid this time cause I don't really think I need 100mg and think it may have even overstimulated me. Last cycle, med free, I O'd on CD20 and still had a 12 day LP. O was prolonged, but my stress was crazy at the time. I guess I'm hoping to have things settled down with Tara so we can all be more relaxed and then maybe that's when I'll actually get pg. I'm also doing the acupuncture and now yoga on Saturday mornings with Janet. I've been better about remembering my vitamins too and I think I might be starting to lose a little weight. I feel like my clothes are fitting a little better. All in the name of a baby!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
A little insight
I'm supposed to be happy...that's what was basically just said to me by Rebecca. I trust her, she's been wonderful, and I respect her opinions and thoughts. So she didn't say, "You should be happy." But she said the TFH for Tara all sounds good and things are moving in the right direction and she'll have someone to supervise her and take care of her needs. Then when things are more settled with Tara and we know she's safe and in a good place then I'll have more energy to deal with Noah and the stuff like yesterday will be able to be handled better.
Then why do I feel so inadequate and walked all over and pushed aside and dismissed? What is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy about the knowledge that Tara really is not returning to our home? It's what I wanted, it's what I think is best for so many reasons and now tha't it's finally happening all I can think is how dare them for taking care of her and making it look so easy and taking over where I failed.
Rebecca repeated that we did what we could for her and now we're doing what is best for her. I want to believe that, I want to know that we tried with everything we had and it wasn't our fault, things just didn't work out. She was too hurt, too traumatized, too angry, and too scared to let go and be with us.
I think I'm scared too. I'm scared that I'm not a good parent and that I'm going to fail Noah. I want it to work with him, no matter how many times I feel like giving up. He still shows he wants to be with us and he keeps trying. He's so much like me, I feel like he's my Son.
I guess I'm feeling a little better since talking to Rebecca. She helped me put things in perspective, even if I'm still very hurt by the changes.
Then why do I feel so inadequate and walked all over and pushed aside and dismissed? What is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy about the knowledge that Tara really is not returning to our home? It's what I wanted, it's what I think is best for so many reasons and now tha't it's finally happening all I can think is how dare them for taking care of her and making it look so easy and taking over where I failed.
Rebecca repeated that we did what we could for her and now we're doing what is best for her. I want to believe that, I want to know that we tried with everything we had and it wasn't our fault, things just didn't work out. She was too hurt, too traumatized, too angry, and too scared to let go and be with us.
I think I'm scared too. I'm scared that I'm not a good parent and that I'm going to fail Noah. I want it to work with him, no matter how many times I feel like giving up. He still shows he wants to be with us and he keeps trying. He's so much like me, I feel like he's my Son.
I guess I'm feeling a little better since talking to Rebecca. She helped me put things in perspective, even if I'm still very hurt by the changes.
The pain is overwhelming
I'm still angry, but also overwhelmingly depressed this morning. I'm at work, which is probably better for me to distract me, but I just want to go home and cry really. I'm not sure what has happened with our lives or where things are going and I'm unhappy about so much of it up until this point. How do I get past that? How do I recover from all of the sadness? All of the regrets? All of the pain? I hate that I'm starting to feel hopeless again. Why can't I see the good? Why is everything weighing so heavily on me?
I'm really struggling with all of this and I don't know how to make anything better. I can't just be happy and positive and everything will be fine. My heart aches...
I'm gonna try to stop crying now and get some work done.
I'm really struggling with all of this and I don't know how to make anything better. I can't just be happy and positive and everything will be fine. My heart aches...
I'm gonna try to stop crying now and get some work done.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Making physical changes
Oh, so many emotions and craziness today. I know I need to sort some of it out so I'm going to try. Where shall I start?
How about with Tara. My first thought? I'm angry that everyone is now 'swooping' in to help her. Why does the system do that? Why didn't they help us more when we needed it? Now they get to be the good guys and give Tara everything she wants and take her to do fun stuff and we're the horrible, awful people that gave up on her. I hate that it has worked out this way, but I feel powerless to do anything about it. I talked to Jill about her today. It's funny how positive I can be to others about everything we did and having to let go and not consider ourselves failures. Meanwhile I'm so hard on myself and feel miserable. No one can change that, no matter how many times we're told we did what we could. Was it a bad match? Or did we give up because we couldn't parent a child that never gave anything back? Is that her fault? Are we in the wrong? I could go on all day. I know it's not productive, but it's there and I can't stop the thoughts.
I started going through her closet today and filled a large box with clothes and shoes to give away. She doesn't need so much stuff and I'm sure someone will buy her new stuff and she'll share clothes with other girls and on and on...just like before. I wanted to go through more, but Noah's home, so it will have to wait. I asked Walter to delete her icon off the computer. I'm planning to pack away the notebooks we wrote to each other in and other letters she wrote to me. I think the sooner I do these things the sooner I will start to heal. I look in her room every single time I go upstairs, I know that can't be healthy. And I don't look in longing to see her, I want her presence out of my home. I feel horrible actually saying that. I'm not sure what else will happen with her stuff, she has so much in our basement. I guess we just send some and the rest has to stay here. I decided to buy a photo album and put in pictures of all of us and Holidays and stuff for her. Then she can't have all bad memories...right? We really did try, I put in so many hours begging her to talk to me and taking her to therapy and out of the house alone to talk and we took her on vacation and we did charts and contracts and homeschool and let her visit and talk with her Biofamily. We did a lot, I'm sure we did, so why do I have to keep convincing myself? When is this going to get easier? Will I ever feel happy again? Will life ever be enjoyable again in my home? Right now I leave to be happy cause I'm miserable in my own home. How do people do this? How do I feel good when both these children do everything they can to make me not care about them and not love them and not want to be around them? I want to give up so badly and just not care about anything. I'm so angry and moody and bitter and ugly all the time. What kind of life am I living? How do I make it better? I hate feeling so helpless.
I'm crying my eyes out and Toby's right under my feet, he's a good dog. I'm only talking to change the subject and try to regain some sanity. I need to eat dinner soon so I can walk with the girls and keep attempting to lose weight. All I'm doing is gaining, but I eat like crazy and I sit on my butt the days I don't walk and I know we're not doing enough that's why I keep trying to go early so I can start running again before they get there. I need to charge my phone so I can listen to the radio. I really like the music while I'm alone in the park, it's very therapeutic. Ok, I'm calmer again, gotta switch out the laundry and eat and get to the park.
How about with Tara. My first thought? I'm angry that everyone is now 'swooping' in to help her. Why does the system do that? Why didn't they help us more when we needed it? Now they get to be the good guys and give Tara everything she wants and take her to do fun stuff and we're the horrible, awful people that gave up on her. I hate that it has worked out this way, but I feel powerless to do anything about it. I talked to Jill about her today. It's funny how positive I can be to others about everything we did and having to let go and not consider ourselves failures. Meanwhile I'm so hard on myself and feel miserable. No one can change that, no matter how many times we're told we did what we could. Was it a bad match? Or did we give up because we couldn't parent a child that never gave anything back? Is that her fault? Are we in the wrong? I could go on all day. I know it's not productive, but it's there and I can't stop the thoughts.
I started going through her closet today and filled a large box with clothes and shoes to give away. She doesn't need so much stuff and I'm sure someone will buy her new stuff and she'll share clothes with other girls and on and on...just like before. I wanted to go through more, but Noah's home, so it will have to wait. I asked Walter to delete her icon off the computer. I'm planning to pack away the notebooks we wrote to each other in and other letters she wrote to me. I think the sooner I do these things the sooner I will start to heal. I look in her room every single time I go upstairs, I know that can't be healthy. And I don't look in longing to see her, I want her presence out of my home. I feel horrible actually saying that. I'm not sure what else will happen with her stuff, she has so much in our basement. I guess we just send some and the rest has to stay here. I decided to buy a photo album and put in pictures of all of us and Holidays and stuff for her. Then she can't have all bad memories...right? We really did try, I put in so many hours begging her to talk to me and taking her to therapy and out of the house alone to talk and we took her on vacation and we did charts and contracts and homeschool and let her visit and talk with her Biofamily. We did a lot, I'm sure we did, so why do I have to keep convincing myself? When is this going to get easier? Will I ever feel happy again? Will life ever be enjoyable again in my home? Right now I leave to be happy cause I'm miserable in my own home. How do people do this? How do I feel good when both these children do everything they can to make me not care about them and not love them and not want to be around them? I want to give up so badly and just not care about anything. I'm so angry and moody and bitter and ugly all the time. What kind of life am I living? How do I make it better? I hate feeling so helpless.
I'm crying my eyes out and Toby's right under my feet, he's a good dog. I'm only talking to change the subject and try to regain some sanity. I need to eat dinner soon so I can walk with the girls and keep attempting to lose weight. All I'm doing is gaining, but I eat like crazy and I sit on my butt the days I don't walk and I know we're not doing enough that's why I keep trying to go early so I can start running again before they get there. I need to charge my phone so I can listen to the radio. I really like the music while I'm alone in the park, it's very therapeutic. Ok, I'm calmer again, gotta switch out the laundry and eat and get to the park.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Trying to be strong
I don't even know what I want to say really, but I've got 20 minutes at work before I go to see a client and I just don't feel like working. I slept like crap again last night, just restless and not comfortable. I walked with Janet and did 4 miles, which is great, I just have to keep doing it. I'm not doing the Cardio Kickboxing, I've just been in too much pain in my neck and shoulders and I can't take much more. I've taken a lot of Ibuprofen the last couple of weeks and it's got to get better, so just walking for now.
Tara called again last night. She says she's working and relaxing and not doing much and there was a conflict, but she handles it maturely and a girl left so it's been quiet and that was about it. We must seem so cold and hateful to people that talk to her and don't understand the truth. She comes across so harmless and "all better now." We know it's not true, she's more stable because we're not in her life and because she has supervision and staff that can enforce rules and boundaries. We'll see what happens tomorrow and thereafter, but Walter was very negative last night and said he didn't even think going to the attorney would help. I'm sorry, but she's not coming back in our home. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's not happening, and if they want a battle then that's what they're going to get and we'll drag it out and she'll turn 18 and we don't have to have her in our lives at all. I've tried being nice, but obviously that doesn't work so I can be just as mean and ugly as Tara and everyone has been to us.
TTC update, another negative opk yesterday and my temp jumped up this morning so I'm assuming I already O'd or I'm not going to O or it was weak or early or whatever. It doesn't matter because we're not trying this month. I just don't have the desire to put forth the effort. I have enough things to worry about and don't need Progesterone supplements adding to my hunger and emotions.
Noah has been acting up on the bus so he got to sit in his room all evening last night. We didn't even bother with talking to him about it or lecturing or anything. Walter tried in the truck on the way home and as usual Noah had only excuses and blamed everyone else. So, before he went to bed Walter simply said something to him about behaving on the bus, implying to avoid sitting in his room. Maybe it will work, cause yelling and all the negative attention still gives him the attention he wants, so maybe just ignoring it and not stressing ourselves out will help us all.
Okay, that's it, I have to drive in the rain to see a client now, at least I'm getting out of the office, but I wish the weather was nicer.
Tara called again last night. She says she's working and relaxing and not doing much and there was a conflict, but she handles it maturely and a girl left so it's been quiet and that was about it. We must seem so cold and hateful to people that talk to her and don't understand the truth. She comes across so harmless and "all better now." We know it's not true, she's more stable because we're not in her life and because she has supervision and staff that can enforce rules and boundaries. We'll see what happens tomorrow and thereafter, but Walter was very negative last night and said he didn't even think going to the attorney would help. I'm sorry, but she's not coming back in our home. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's not happening, and if they want a battle then that's what they're going to get and we'll drag it out and she'll turn 18 and we don't have to have her in our lives at all. I've tried being nice, but obviously that doesn't work so I can be just as mean and ugly as Tara and everyone has been to us.
TTC update, another negative opk yesterday and my temp jumped up this morning so I'm assuming I already O'd or I'm not going to O or it was weak or early or whatever. It doesn't matter because we're not trying this month. I just don't have the desire to put forth the effort. I have enough things to worry about and don't need Progesterone supplements adding to my hunger and emotions.
Noah has been acting up on the bus so he got to sit in his room all evening last night. We didn't even bother with talking to him about it or lecturing or anything. Walter tried in the truck on the way home and as usual Noah had only excuses and blamed everyone else. So, before he went to bed Walter simply said something to him about behaving on the bus, implying to avoid sitting in his room. Maybe it will work, cause yelling and all the negative attention still gives him the attention he wants, so maybe just ignoring it and not stressing ourselves out will help us all.
Okay, that's it, I have to drive in the rain to see a client now, at least I'm getting out of the office, but I wish the weather was nicer.
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