I'm not even sure how to start this post. I guess I just say it, I'm pregnant. It's still very unreal to me & of course I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. I'm trying to be positive & dream about what could be if this little one develops into a healthy baby...girl according to everyone, we shall see if I make it to the CVS testing. That's a whole other story, 1st I gotta get my 2nd beta results. Then after that if all is well I wanna hear that amazing heartbeat. I want it all, the whole experience, I'm ready for it. So the +hpt was on 10/22, I really had no definite plan to do a test, but something convinced me too. It was 14dpo & still no spotting, so I thought I might as well. Walter was just as surprised as I was. Then my 1st beta was on 10/23 & the result was 123. I had my 2nd beta drawn today & will get the results tomorrow. I'm so nervous, but again trying to be positive & hope for big numbers. I spotted brown cm Friday morning through Sunday night, none today & I hope it's done. I've been feeling gassy, peeing more, bb's hurt bad, had heartburn today, & I even had some of the pulling & tugging feelings in my belly. It's wonderful to feel something for a change.

No one but me

Hi, how are you? I'm miserable...thanks for asking...I hate everyone and everything this morning and wish I could just stop trying. I don't know if I'd ever really say that to anyone, but I wish I had someone in my life that I could say it to if I needed to.

My life feels so completely empty and I feel like such a failure. I don't understand why I'm not allowed to have children. Would it even help? Or am I putting too much into it making my life better. I can't really imagine a baby right now because of Noah. Who knows what he would do to the baby or me because he's mad at me for having a baby. I believe he's capable of a lot of things, he just doesn't seem to have much remorse and is very impulsive. I know he'd be jealous so I guess it's not right for us to have a baby anyway. My life sucks enough as it is and has for a long time, why add more stress? I'm supposed to start Clomid tomorrow and it's the last month I have of it. Do I even bother? This is the 10th month we've tried and I know we're not going to keep trying, at least not with medication. I'm not going to keep taking it, I know it makes me crazier than I already am. And I just don't see doing IVF, we haven't saved for it and we're getting so old. I hate the idea of giving up on it all, but what else am I supposed to do? I just don't have the answers anymore. I'm exhausted and always helping other people and I just want to give up.

What would happen if I just stopped and do I really care? I feel bad that Noah's school pictures suck because I'm a horrible Mom that didn't know it was picture day, but does it really matter? He'll take it again or not and we'll have other pictures and he hasn't changed that much. I don't know what else would happen really. CHC would just hire another nurse just like they would if I leave to work somewhere else. Tara already doesn't need me...she never did really. I just don't know about Walter, I believe he loves me, but it's all turned out so crappy. Our life together just isn't what either one of us wanted and there doesn't seem to be any way out of it or to make it better.

I feel like everything I try falls apart or fails or makes things worse. What else am I supposed to do? I certainly don't have any solutions or ideas at this point and I wouldn't know anyone to ask if they did. I guess everyone has their own problems and life to deal with, why would they even want to help me. So, here I sit with no answers and I don't feel better and I just want to get up and walk out of here and sit in my bed with my kitty and play on the computer and watch stupid tv and be left alone. I could see myself isolating in my room for a long time. I just don't have the motivation or desire to do anything. I just don't care about anything.

I keep shopping and doing things like getting Sid to try and replace what I want in my life and it's just making it all more complicated and nothing is any better. So I guess now I type my notes for work and take care of my clients and go home and nothing changes and I'm still miserable and hate my life.

An emptiness I can't bear today

I feel so down today and full of anger and sadness. I'm at work, trying to get through the day. Sid has to go under general anesthesia today to suture up the hole in his neck from a silly wart after he ripped out the last stitches. I'm hoping he's okay and that the vet would call me if there was any kind of problem.

I can barely sit here without crying. I keep holding the tears back and trying to stay busy to keep my mind off everything, but so many memories keep flooding into my head today. Before I got on here I was thinking about the time we told Walter's family we were ttc. They were so excited...almost as much as we were. And look at all of us now. So, much pain and sorrow and so many bad memories. It seems like a lifetime ago.

I want so much to be excited again about ttc, but the experiences in my life have made it damn near impossible. I am in control of how I feel, but I don't feel like I can be positive and excited. I've had so much pain and it all seems so fresh like an open wound...like poor Sid. PTSD? Depression? Probably both, but what are ya gonna do? Right now...I want to give up on everything. I don't want to work, go back home, see anyone or anything, or be anyone. Will I end my life? No, cause that's just not me. I wouldn't leave everything and everyone to deal with my shit. I don't know what I'll do, just keeping telling myself, "Everything can change in the blink of an eye." That's what I was told, but she also told me I would get pg and I would have a little girl and she will stand up for justice and she will be an impatient amazing spirit. I was told we would conceive her when the moon is getting full in September. Well, September is almost over and the full moon was on 9/4/09 and we didn't try until 9/5/09 and I O'd on 9/10/09. I'll start another cycle this month, which is still September and I guess still a possibility of her being accurate, but I feel like all our chances are coming to an end. I run out of Clomid next month and don't think I can get pg without it and don't think Dr. Wilbois will give me more and Walter's never going to do IVF. And did I mention that I'm 34 and Walter's almost 42? I feel so old and I feel like I've lost my life. I feel like it's too late and I don't like how it's turned out. I feel so empty.

Finally able to breathe again

Sid is home! Finally after all the drama and craziness I got to pick-up and bring home Sid last night. The 1st night went pretty well and it seems the family will all get along. The Bubbas did okay and didn't freak out, but they were kept on leashes with Sid and Toby got smacked once. It was actually really funny, he pouted afterwards for a while and seemed completely defeated by the little kitty. Daisy stayed close to me as usual and really didn't seem to interested. A little more time and I think everyone will be able to roam free.

I kinda feel a little like I'm using the cat to fulfill my need for a baby, but I don't feel bad about it. I love Sid and was happy to rescue him from the shelter and the couple that abandoned him. He's part of the family already and if we add a baby to the mix too so be it.

I've been feeling soooooooo much more relaxed lately. I just have a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while. I can tell my anxiety is down and the depression has been lifted quite a bit. I'm sure Sid and the excitement getting him has helped, but I know it's more about Tara and finally resolving what is going to happen with her. We're still waiting for her to spend the night at the TFH so we can see if she will have any problems with the cats there. Hopefully that will happen this weekend. Everything else seems to be working out so hopefully that's a good sign. She doesn't call anymore either, which helps a lot with my sanity. I just can't deal with her, she's absolutely toxic to my emotional well being. I shouldn't let her be, but she is and I have to stop feeling guilty about not being able to handle it all. I have to realize in her mind she wasn't going to be happy unless I was miserable.

Greg messaged me this week on FB so we've chatted back and forth a couple of times. He said I was his oldest and best (or something like that) friend and he hoped we could get together soon and talk. He's having problems with his gf and I'm not sure if it's her or him or both. He talked about blowing up and his moods being off, which I still think he could be Bipolar or maybe stuff happened to him that I really don't know about. He's obviously angry about something that he's not talking about. He is starting school again, which I'm super proud of him for, he said he feels old doing homework, but I'll support him through it if it means success for him. All I really want is for him to be happy.

In the world of ttc, I finally finished the last long ass cycle and I'm back on Clomid starting yesterday. There was so much going on yesterday I had no time to even think about it or stress over side effects or whatever. It's better that way, but I know as O day gets closer I'll be more anxious. I just have to keep telling myself, no matter how much I fight with myself about it, that I will get pg, it will happen. So many people have told me it will happen, I have to start believing it too. Oh, and I'm only trying 50mg of Clomid this time cause I don't really think I need 100mg and think it may have even overstimulated me. Last cycle, med free, I O'd on CD20 and still had a 12 day LP. O was prolonged, but my stress was crazy at the time. I guess I'm hoping to have things settled down with Tara so we can all be more relaxed and then maybe that's when I'll actually get pg. I'm also doing the acupuncture and now yoga on Saturday mornings with Janet. I've been better about remembering my vitamins too and I think I might be starting to lose a little weight. I feel like my clothes are fitting a little better. All in the name of a baby!

A little insight

I'm supposed to be happy...that's what was basically just said to me by Rebecca. I trust her, she's been wonderful, and I respect her opinions and thoughts. So she didn't say, "You should be happy." But she said the TFH for Tara all sounds good and things are moving in the right direction and she'll have someone to supervise her and take care of her needs. Then when things are more settled with Tara and we know she's safe and in a good place then I'll have more energy to deal with Noah and the stuff like yesterday will be able to be handled better.

Then why do I feel so inadequate and walked all over and pushed aside and dismissed? What is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy about the knowledge that Tara really is not returning to our home? It's what I wanted, it's what I think is best for so many reasons and now tha't it's finally happening all I can think is how dare them for taking care of her and making it look so easy and taking over where I failed.

Rebecca repeated that we did what we could for her and now we're doing what is best for her. I want to believe that, I want to know that we tried with everything we had and it wasn't our fault, things just didn't work out. She was too hurt, too traumatized, too angry, and too scared to let go and be with us.

I think I'm scared too. I'm scared that I'm not a good parent and that I'm going to fail Noah. I want it to work with him, no matter how many times I feel like giving up. He still shows he wants to be with us and he keeps trying. He's so much like me, I feel like he's my Son.

I guess I'm feeling a little better since talking to Rebecca. She helped me put things in perspective, even if I'm still very hurt by the changes.

The pain is overwhelming

I'm still angry, but also overwhelmingly depressed this morning. I'm at work, which is probably better for me to distract me, but I just want to go home and cry really. I'm not sure what has happened with our lives or where things are going and I'm unhappy about so much of it up until this point. How do I get past that? How do I recover from all of the sadness? All of the regrets? All of the pain? I hate that I'm starting to feel hopeless again. Why can't I see the good? Why is everything weighing so heavily on me?

I'm really struggling with all of this and I don't know how to make anything better. I can't just be happy and positive and everything will be fine. My heart aches...

I'm gonna try to stop crying now and get some work done.

Making physical changes

Oh, so many emotions and craziness today. I know I need to sort some of it out so I'm going to try. Where shall I start?

How about with Tara. My first thought? I'm angry that everyone is now 'swooping' in to help her. Why does the system do that? Why didn't they help us more when we needed it? Now they get to be the good guys and give Tara everything she wants and take her to do fun stuff and we're the horrible, awful people that gave up on her. I hate that it has worked out this way, but I feel powerless to do anything about it. I talked to Jill about her today. It's funny how positive I can be to others about everything we did and having to let go and not consider ourselves failures. Meanwhile I'm so hard on myself and feel miserable. No one can change that, no matter how many times we're told we did what we could. Was it a bad match? Or did we give up because we couldn't parent a child that never gave anything back? Is that her fault? Are we in the wrong? I could go on all day. I know it's not productive, but it's there and I can't stop the thoughts.

I started going through her closet today and filled a large box with clothes and shoes to give away. She doesn't need so much stuff and I'm sure someone will buy her new stuff and she'll share clothes with other girls and on and on...just like before. I wanted to go through more, but Noah's home, so it will have to wait. I asked Walter to delete her icon off the computer. I'm planning to pack away the notebooks we wrote to each other in and other letters she wrote to me. I think the sooner I do these things the sooner I will start to heal. I look in her room every single time I go upstairs, I know that can't be healthy. And I don't look in longing to see her, I want her presence out of my home. I feel horrible actually saying that. I'm not sure what else will happen with her stuff, she has so much in our basement. I guess we just send some and the rest has to stay here. I decided to buy a photo album and put in pictures of all of us and Holidays and stuff for her. Then she can't have all bad memories...right? We really did try, I put in so many hours begging her to talk to me and taking her to therapy and out of the house alone to talk and we took her on vacation and we did charts and contracts and homeschool and let her visit and talk with her Biofamily. We did a lot, I'm sure we did, so why do I have to keep convincing myself? When is this going to get easier? Will I ever feel happy again? Will life ever be enjoyable again in my home? Right now I leave to be happy cause I'm miserable in my own home. How do people do this? How do I feel good when both these children do everything they can to make me not care about them and not love them and not want to be around them? I want to give up so badly and just not care about anything. I'm so angry and moody and bitter and ugly all the time. What kind of life am I living? How do I make it better? I hate feeling so helpless.

I'm crying my eyes out and Toby's right under my feet, he's a good dog. I'm only talking to change the subject and try to regain some sanity. I need to eat dinner soon so I can walk with the girls and keep attempting to lose weight. All I'm doing is gaining, but I eat like crazy and I sit on my butt the days I don't walk and I know we're not doing enough that's why I keep trying to go early so I can start running again before they get there. I need to charge my phone so I can listen to the radio. I really like the music while I'm alone in the park, it's very therapeutic. Ok, I'm calmer again, gotta switch out the laundry and eat and get to the park.

Trying to be strong

I don't even know what I want to say really, but I've got 20 minutes at work before I go to see a client and I just don't feel like working. I slept like crap again last night, just restless and not comfortable. I walked with Janet and did 4 miles, which is great, I just have to keep doing it. I'm not doing the Cardio Kickboxing, I've just been in too much pain in my neck and shoulders and I can't take much more. I've taken a lot of Ibuprofen the last couple of weeks and it's got to get better, so just walking for now.

Tara called again last night. She says she's working and relaxing and not doing much and there was a conflict, but she handles it maturely and a girl left so it's been quiet and that was about it. We must seem so cold and hateful to people that talk to her and don't understand the truth. She comes across so harmless and "all better now." We know it's not true, she's more stable because we're not in her life and because she has supervision and staff that can enforce rules and boundaries. We'll see what happens tomorrow and thereafter, but Walter was very negative last night and said he didn't even think going to the attorney would help. I'm sorry, but she's not coming back in our home. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's not happening, and if they want a battle then that's what they're going to get and we'll drag it out and she'll turn 18 and we don't have to have her in our lives at all. I've tried being nice, but obviously that doesn't work so I can be just as mean and ugly as Tara and everyone has been to us.

TTC update, another negative opk yesterday and my temp jumped up this morning so I'm assuming I already O'd or I'm not going to O or it was weak or early or whatever. It doesn't matter because we're not trying this month. I just don't have the desire to put forth the effort. I have enough things to worry about and don't need Progesterone supplements adding to my hunger and emotions.

Noah has been acting up on the bus so he got to sit in his room all evening last night. We didn't even bother with talking to him about it or lecturing or anything. Walter tried in the truck on the way home and as usual Noah had only excuses and blamed everyone else. So, before he went to bed Walter simply said something to him about behaving on the bus, implying to avoid sitting in his room. Maybe it will work, cause yelling and all the negative attention still gives him the attention he wants, so maybe just ignoring it and not stressing ourselves out will help us all.

Okay, that's it, I have to drive in the rain to see a client now, at least I'm getting out of the office, but I wish the weather was nicer.

Embracing what I'm already a part of

I guess I'm not much of a 'blogger' really. I read other blog posts and they seem so informative and helpful versus my bitching and whining. I feel like that's what I do here mostly, but I guess it's just for me really anyway.



From a quiz I took on facebook, very scientific I know:



"You are very busy dealing with things that seem like they would make no sense to the people in your life. You long for communion emotionally with someone but can't seem to find anyone who fits the bill. It is exceedingly important for an Oceanic soul to realize they are part of something by nature that is so vast, so incredible, so infinitely changing that they do not need to 'connect' the way they have learned to think that they do. All they really need to do is take notice of the beauty they are a real bonafide part of and participate fully. It is by exerting will in this small behavioral way that will bring them into a light that is very attractive to the right kind of people for them. Ironically, once an Oceanic realizes what they are a part of and starts to really willfully participate, they no longer feel such a need for connection..."



I don't know if any of this really means anything, but I have noticed in my life that nothing happens by accident and most things do have a great meaning for me. I have always felt like I was looking for that group or person to connect with and always watched as they connect with someone else around me instead. I've always felt out of the loop and like an outsider everywhere I go. So, what I'm getting from the above is that I need to stop trying to connect so precisely and instead take a more general approach to being a part of the life I already have. I'm not really sure exactly what it is that I'm a part of at this point, but I'm willing to try and figure it out. I can't keep going the way I have for all of these years. I get so depressed when I fail over and over again.

So, Thursday is the day. I can't think about much else. The Day My Heart Broke, that's what I call it. It's truly the most heartbreaking thing I can think of in my life. I can only imagine what the future will bring because I anticipate something will happen that is worse or at least equally as painful. I don't really feel much like talking about it now. The words just aren't with me, but the thoughts are there, and I just wanted to acknowledge that I remember.

Then the meeting at Edgewood. I keep telling myself to hang on to Walter, let him be my rock, don't say much, and just get through it. I don't like 'abandoning' Tara, but she truly brings so much pain into my life that I just don't deserve. She's taking out on me all the things that have hurt her and dammit I have enough shit to deal with. I'm sorry we adopted her and put all of us through this, I'm so sorry. I can't change what has happened, I can only try to make things as they need to be for every one's future. I don't have all the answers, but I do believe Tara has spoken the truth when she has said she resents us for adopting her and that she just wants to be with her biofamily. I do not feel like her Mother. I do not crave taking care of her needs. I realize she pushed me away because of all the times she has been hurt, but I think she is best off back in Oklahoma. I would like to see her get an education and learn the skills she needs, but it's not up to me what she does with her life. She's making her own decisions and choosing to not be involved in improving her situation. It's not my fault. I'm sorry for it all, but it's not my fault.

As for the goal of ttc...it just keeps slipping lower on the importance ladder. I'm not even sure if I'm ovulating this month. I'm temping most days and haven't seen a temp shift yet, today is CD14, and I've had no ewcm. I thought it was watery once, but nothing since really. And we haven't done anything which could result in a child and I don't suspect we're going to. There's just too much going on right now.

Walter and his family, it just breaks my heart, but he's so good at seeing the bigger picture and understanding why everyone is responding the way they are. His Uncle Bill died after we were all supposed to see him on the 4th, but we left because it just wasn't a good place to be. His poor Mom, I love her, but she's so sick. Kathy and Sharon are taking it way too personally and are not dealing well at all with losing their Mother. I can't imagine really how they feel. I pushed the Mother Daughter relationship out of my life a long time ago. Sometimes I envy others who have their Mothers, but I don't remember having much of one really, so I guess I don't really know what I've missed. I know it affects me as a Mother, but I also know that Tara and Noah are much more difficult than your average child.

Back to work I guess. I don't think I really feel better, but it's out of my system a little so I can hopefully accomplish something with this day.

Just trying to get through the morning

Where do I even begin? I can't blame Clomid, I didn't take it this month. My eyes are filled with tears that I can't stop and I feel so full of sadness, regret, and worry that I just don't know what to do. I couldn't pick out clothes for Noah to wear this morning and broke down crying. Walter took off today and I just lost it in front of him. Who knows what he's thinking is wrong with me. What is wrong with me? Why does everything seem so hopeless? How do I believe my mantra, "Life can change in the blink of an eye." I'm waiting for it to change...I need it to change. I can't go on like this. I just simply feel like I'm falling apart. I don't feel like I can hold on much longer. I guess I try to write it out here and hope for some kind of relief.

I want a cigarette. They're bad for me and Walter doesn't want me to smoke and I know nothing would be solved, but I just do. Stimulant or not, I want one, and I can't shake it from my mind.

I'm supposed to go to acupuncture and I didn't shave my legs and going anywhere and dealing with anyone feels like torture. I've got a couple of hours to decide whether or not to go.

The meeting with Crider and Edgewood is looming. We don't know what they're going to say and we're probably going to have to hire the attorney. I do not anticipate any single part of it to be easy or even remotely simple or smooth. I am expecting a fight with tears, anger, hysterics, and who knows what. I don't care what anyone thinks or how they feel about it, Tara cannot return to our home. She does not belong there. She sucked me in and spit me out and continues to try to get to me. I feel horrible that I failed at parenting her and for all the things that have happened in her life, but she is absolutely toxic to me and only brings me angst.

I need Walter to be my rock, but he's got his own chaos to deal with, and probably feels like he needs me to take charge and make decisions. He's hurting so much right now over his family and I know it is tearing him apart inside. Visits to OK will never be the same. I can't even imagine what is going to happen at this point, but whatever happens, it won't be pretty.

As for ttc, I guess it's on hold, there's just too much going on. I don't know why I thought I'd be able to get pg and all would be better. What was I thinking? So, no hormones this month, then I'll probably restart them again after a month off to give my body a break. I still regret and think about what I did after the loss of our little girl. What was I thinking? Why would I get an IUD and just give up? Depression I guess. Who wouldn't be depressed? I'm so afraid I will never have a child of our own. I want to believe the tarot reading, I want to so badly. September, when the moon is growing, a girl who believes in justice will be our Daughter. Anything is possible, but such a blessing in my life seems so unattainable.

I'm feeling a little calmer. I'm gonna try to do some work and I'm gonna make myself go to acupuncture. It can't hurt, and might help. As for the rest, I'm exhausted and for the moment give up.

Respect & admiration, when all I feel is sadness

A perfectly lovely day spent on the internet and doing laundry. Noah was not allowed to go back to daycare today so I stayed home with him. He's in his room, compliant, but complaining he doesn't have anything to do and he wants a snack. So sorry, you would of had both had you not had a fit and been at daycare today. I do not feel sorry for him and the situation he has put himself in. The daycare owner says he has a lot of respect for me after the way Noah listened when I got there. Yeah, he listened, with firm and direct information. I did not ask him to get in the car nor did I want to chat about what happened. I want to feel good about his "respect" for me, but I can't get past all the bad feelings life with him has evoked. Only those that have been where I've been could ever possibly understand. Others bless me and my soul and comment how great it is and how hard it must be. I know they don't know what else to say, I'm just tired of hearing how much of a Saint I supposedly am only to sit here and feel so miserable.

On the ttc front, lots of ewcm today and the opk was more + than yesterday. I'm actually relieved it wasn't in my face + cause we haven't had any relations (thanks Dr. W) and I'd at least like to think it's possible for me to conceive while muddling through the 2ww. Oh, I also requested a Ruby reading. I'm excited to see what she has to say. This is what happens when I'm left home alone with a paypal account :)

I ate really well for the most part so far today. Tracking my food really helps me and holds me accountable and I'm craving bad stuff a little, but I just look at my info for the day and it keeps me in check. I'm hoping for a healthy dinner with no snacks later, and I've got to drink more water!

Combination of old and new

Walter's back home from visiting with his family in OK. His Mom is letting on like she's fine with everything, but I don't believe it. Something's gonna happen and I just hope no one gets hurt.

I'm so tired, I'm going to sleep (I hope) after I finish this post. Noah had a melt down today at daycare, crying and screaming, and the owner was holding him to keep him from hurting himself or anyone else. I got there and told him to get in the car, of course he did, and just cried the whole way home, went to his room, then ate a sandwich, showered, and off to bed. He was totally fine the last couple of days so who knows what set this off. He can't go to daycare tomorrow and I don't know what we're going to do if he gets kicked out of daycare again. What the Hell are we supposed to do? Am I supposed to quit my job?

As for ttc, we should be doing the deed, but it just ain't gonna happen tonight. Hopefully tomorrow and thereafter will be enough, I'm not holding my breath either way. With all this stress and chaos it's just not going to happen.

On a bright note I joined sparkpeople.com to track my eating and exercise and find support. I also signed up for a Turbo Kick class 2 days a week. It will be good for my mental health too if I can get my ass there. I wish someone was taking it with me, but no luck. I didn't do too bad eating this week so far, made better choices than usual overall.

Better...but no motivation

I ever so slowly began to feel a little better yesterday. Walter and I tried to celebrate 8 years of marriage together. He left work early and we had lunch at Qdoba. I was still pretty miserable at that point, so not very good company, but it was still nice to be together and to get a hug before I went back to work. Then he brought me home flowers and we enjoyed dinner at BC's Kitchen. I had the best scallops! Then after Noah went to bed we munched on the Kauai Kookies that I bought and just chatted and tried to relax. It was nice and as best as I could expect under our current circumstances.

So of course Noah acted out again at daycare yesterday and of course they still let him go swimming to appease him and cause the other kids were going. They said he had to sit out and wait 30 minutes to swim, but he knows we would not have let him. He does everything he can to get away with crap when we're not around...even when we just leave the room. He has to be watched almost constantly now, it's ridiculous. 10 seconds of freedom and he's doing something he knows he shouldn't.

Walter's going to OK on Monday and says he'll be back Wednesday. He actually thought about where I am in my cycle and figured it only 1 day off! I was shocked and amazed. So we should be fine, and seeing his family right now is more important than my cycle anyway so if things don't work out then oh well. I'm not holding my breath for it to ever work out anyway.

I'm glad to be feeling better today than yesterday. I still feel kinda edgy though and can hardly stand the fact that Noah is lying on the couch just a few feet away from me. Walter wants to get out and do something, but we can't do anything super fun like go to Six Flags since Noah can't act right and earn any kind of privileges. So, I'm not sure what our weekend will turn into, but right now we have no plans, and I'm not really excited to make any.

I can't stop crying

OMG! I do not remember Clomid doing this to me before. I'm so moody and emotional and crazy. I tried to have a relaxing afternoon on Wednesday, had lunch with Tonya, got a pedicure and my nails done, and got my hair highlighted and cut. I should be totally relaxed! I couldn't feel any less relaxed! What is it going to take? I even got my delivery of Kauai Kookies yesterday for my Anniversary today. I was happy for a moment about it, but then it was gone. I woke up feeling just miserable this morning and I hate how I feel. I even went to therapy yesterday and I thought I'd cry my eyes out and vent and feel better, but no, I was totally fine during the session. I don't even feel like myself. It has got to be the Clomid doing this to me. I'm Bitching at everyone that comes near me and mumbling under my breath about everyone else. I finally put my MP3 player in my ears and I'm just trying to type and work and interact with as few people as possible. I don't even want to be around me, so I know everyone else is like, "Damn what's her problem."

Walter's Mom was admitted to the hospital, not sure for how long, or if it will do any good. I can't even imagine how Walter is feeling right now. His Mom is such a loving and amazing woman. To see her so angry and paranoid and anxious is hard on everyone.

Tara called again last night, of course only my phone, and no message this time. I just don't have anything to say to her and I don't know what's going to happen, but I can't live with her. I'm barely surviving with Noah. I'm deeply sorry I couldn't have done more for her, but I have to take care of myself and protect myself. I cannot be the 'Mom' she's looking for, I'm not sure if anyone can.

Confessions of fear

Damn Clomid is getting to me today, I wish it were only hot flashes. I've cried over the stupidest things today and been angry and frustrated and everyone is pissing me off every where I turn. I'm assuming the worst from everyone and jumping down people's throats and no one even knows why I'm acting like an idiot. I guess it would be nice if people knew what we are going through...really, but then they act like, "Oh poor you, that's horrible, I'm so sorry." I don't want that either. I don't want pity. I want a baby.

It was so much fun to dream with the girls from the support group. We let go of our fears for just a moment to think about nurseries and baby stuff that we're so looking forward to. I don't really let myself do that. Dreaming is dangerous to my health. I just really, truly don't believe I'm going to be pg and actually give birth. As badly as I want a child with Walter, it just doesn't seem attainable. That's not to say that I don't get my hopes up and figure out what my due date would be if I got pg any given month. And that I'm not devestated every month that AF shows up. I always think...maybe this will be it, should I poas? But honestly getting pg is only half the battle and that truth scares me.

I guess this blog has been good for me to really learn some things about myself and my feelings. Even if it seems depressing and bitchy, I'm glad I'm doing it.

So, I'm at work and I'm trying to have a moment of peace and everyone keeps wanting to come in my office for one thing or another. Isn't is bad enough that I have a fake office with carpeted walls that don't go all the way to the ceiling and really have no privacy? Sometimes the nurse needs a break, but I guess I'm supposed to be available to everyone when they need me and I'm supposed to be in a good mood and I'm supposed to help them with whatever problem they are having. I just want to have a good cry so I can get some work done and get the Hell outta here for the day.

A New Day Has Come

The Celine Dion song about her Son was on the radio this morning when I turned it on to take a shower. How does music always find me? Always know what I'm struggling with? I had an awful dream about AF, it was real bad like I had a m/c. Then I woke up this morning to a major temp drop below the coverline...sigh. Another month is passing and time is running out. I'm getting old, much older than I ever thought I would be ttc. And all I have to show for it is 2 adopted children that don't want me to be their Mother. They push me away until I want to hate them, they tell me they resent me, they tell me they don't love me.

We're never gonna do injectibles, IUI or IVF, Walter would never spend that kind of money on a gamble. So, now we'll be starting the 3rd round of Clomid soon and I feel like I'm doing everything I can otherwise with supplements and vitamins, etc. The stress in our lives is so ridiculous it's probably impossible for me to get pg. It's a battle everyday with Noah, Tara's looming in the background, Amber is calling, my In-laws are a mess, and work is crazy with conflict and hostility. We don't have the time or money for a vacation, all I want to do is eat and I'm getting fatter everyday, we're both depressed and angry all the time, I have no motivation to do anything.

I keep thinking about how I always settle and never insist on or demand what I really want. Why is that? What caused me to think that way? I'm so strong minded and persistent for others and expect only the best for them. Why can't I be that way for myself? Why do I think I don't deserve what I want? I have such an issue with entitlement, is that the right word?

I need to get back to work, I just thought venting a little would get me through the day.

Bad day

Why do I even think I deserve a baby? Obviously I'm not a fit Mother and this is why I have never conceived. Crazy? Dramatic? Maybe, but it's how I feel today and many days. Yes I'm under a lot of stress and yes Noah and Tara are not your typical children, but others have done better under worse circumstances. I just can't seem to pull it together, can't seem to parent them, and be calm and patient about it. One stupid thing and I blow. I can't blame it on the hormones, it's gone on long since before I started them. I just feel so miserable today...like the worst Mother in the world. Really I don't feel like a Mother at all. They don't belong to me and they don't want to belong to me. I don't blame them, I wouldn't either. I hate adoption today.

As for ttc, I don't know. I hate getting my hopes up every month and I'm under so much stress how could I ever get pg. Noah here all the time without a break and the threat of Tara's meeting and being returned to us. Anyway, today is 6dpo, another 4-6 days til I start spotting most likely.

As for my goals and doing something every day, I haven't done great. I guess I've done decently with my charting and vitamins. I still haven't exercised nor cleaned anything lately. I'm finally doing laundry today, Sunday at 4pm. We still didn't get to look at the cabinets to build our island. Our fish tank has been very stressful with fish getting sick and dying and picking on one another. I've been eating like crazy, like I'm hungry all the time. I can partially blame the hormones for that, but it's very emotional eating too. Haven't started saving yet for Hawaii, guess I need to since our anniversary is coming, then just 2 years until our 10th, but if we have a baby then I'm not sure what we'll do. Maybe a Mom from the O'Fallon group or Jennifer would watch the baby. As if we'll even have one, but at least there's a plan.

I feel a little better and a little calmer talking about my goals and the future. I'm just so exhausted from trying to parent Noah...he takes everything out of me.

Taking care of myself

So the last couple of days I've taken a couple more steps towards the goals I've made for myself. I made a couple of healthy meal choices, not all, but a couple. I deleted a game from my FB that has taken too much of my time from me, along with a couple other changes on FB that I felt were important to my success. I did not get to walk yet, but I've definitely been doing some serious thinking about it, my schedule has just not allowed for it yet. I'm here blogging again, something I also hope to keep up. I took my medicine everyday and completed my charting more fully. So I think I'm off to a pretty good start, considering the lack of sleep I had at the beginning of the week and other stressful events at work and home.

Otherwise this morning I'm pretty anxious and worried about the meeting today at Edgewood. We haven't been talking to Tara after she mailed me letters. I've been traumatized by her so much already, I'm just not willing to allow her in again to hurt me more. I've suffered a great deal of pain from her, which of course I have allowed, but she is very sick and lived a long traumatic life herself, and I do understand why, it just doesn't make it any easier to cope with. I'm still having nightmares and I still worry and think about it all a lot. She made me feel completely inadequate as a parent and that caused more than one incidence of severe depression in me. I have to be able to be strong for Noah as a Mom and to Walter as a Wife and a friend to many others. I cannot live my life trying to please her and give her what will never be enough.

The beginning...again

I'm so super proud of myself for finally getting this started! I've had diaries, journals, poetry, etc for as long as I can remember, but for some reason I always stop writing. Well, I'm back to it again and I'm excited, perhaps a little too much.

So, the title is from an excellent song that always makes me feel good no matter what is going on in my life and I thought the verse was appropriate for my blog. I actually decided on the title rather quickly after thinking about what I really love. I love many things of course, but music affects me in many ways and is a big part of my life. So many memories, some happy, some sad, some infuriating, some enlightening, all from a certain song that when it plays the memories flood in.

I made the decision today to do something everyday toward reaching my goals. I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself lately and decided it's time to do something about it before I slip into another depression. So, I got off my butt today and washed laundry, put away dishes, changed Suli's cage papers, changed bed linens, hung pictures and towels, bought a new gorgeous diffuser, and now started this blog. Not a real exciting day, but lately I'll accept boring, and it was very productive. I don't expect everyday to be so full, but I need to continue doing something to keep my motivation moving forward, to snap me out of the place I've settled in.